Unemployment Black Male Seeks...

I’ve perused Craigslist for 3 hours today, searching for the perfect day job and all I’ve come up with are low-paying receptionist gigs and writing internships. And I can no longer bring myself to send out resumes that are going to get trapped in SPAM filters. Or even worse go to interviews where I’m told that I’m unqualified (“Sorry sir, but your college degree, writing experience, and knowledge of the alphabet just isn’t right for the position of filing assistant”).

Here’s my counter-ad: Single Black Comedian seeks Super-Flexible Employer to provide a dream job. Job should be in the writing or humor fields. Job must offer at least $60K/year (no need to be greedy), start at 12 noon and end by 6 PM (because everyone needs beauty rest), good health benefits (i.e. medical and dental), unlimited internet access, and at least 4 weeks vacation time plus 4 weeks of sick days. Connection to entertainment agents/comedy bookers desired but not required.

Is this asking too much?!? Alright, then no internet access to porn sites. Wish me luck!

Field Trip!

Recently, a couple of friends and I took a field to Ye Olde Porno Store on 42nd Street and boy was it interesting! First of all, the whole place smells like used vibrators and smegma. Second of all, everything was on a maximum discount. It was like wholesale porn all over the place. For a second, I thought I was going to handed a book of coupons.

We perused such titles as "Catch Her In The Eye," "Cushion For The Pushin," and "Sperm Bank." Though my favorite title by FAR was "She Shoved A Dildo Up My Ass 4" - a movie that, appropriate enough, involves females placing various toys into a man's rectum. There are many reasons why I love this title (the least of which being that it was the fourth in the series). I wish I could have sat in on that ad meeting.

Boss: Okay people it took us a week to make this blockbuster. Now all we need is a catchy title.
Ad Exec #1: Well what about Knockin' On Heaven's Back Door?
Boss: Ugh, too corny!
Ad Exec #2: How about Up The Chute Without a Paddle?
Boss: Hmmm, I don't know if it really conveys the correct amount of passion for back-door play.
Ad Exec #2: Rubber Riders?
Boss: Too gender neutral.
Ad Exec #1: Well, I'm out of ideas.
Boss: Okay let's ask the star. Hey what do you think?
Male Porn Star: Well I dunno, [shrugs, finishes a line of coke on the table] she shoved a dildo up my ass.
Boss: She Shoved A Dildo Up My Ass!!?? Brilliant! Let's make it a whole franchise.

Sure the title leaves nothing to the imagination but I guess you can't blame them for falsely advertising.

The Show From Heaven

I could cry right now.

I got a chance to host a show tonight for City of Light Productions at the Kraine Theatre. The thing is I found out about the gig the day before and I had NO IDEA what the heck kind of show it would be. I was just told to show up at the place two hours before. For a second, I thought I was going to be kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery.

So I'm super nervous about the whole deal. And I get to the venue and it's this huge variety show of sketch comedy/improv comedy/music/play readings. It's all dancers and singers who have this breadth of experience and my credits involve being on a game show, hosting a comedy show for 8 months, and making my rounds on the "illustrious" open mic circuit. Sure I have the President Jackson show but the past Monday was rough and I did two open mic sets Tuesday where I just crashed (and paid $12 to bomb - not a pretty picture).

The producers tell me to have fun but not be dirty. In case you saw from previous entries, I'm not good at not being dirty. I'm feverishly going through my notebooks to piece together something that will appeal to people who are really there to see music and dance (i.e. the tangible talents). As a rule of thumb, the MC is barely supposed to be seen and heard. And lone stand-up comedians always fail at these types of shows.

I wait backstage, trying to be nonchalant and the DJ calls up my name to host. I go out there and do some minor crowd-work then do some jokes...and the audience gets me! All the jokes and riffs actually hit. I thought I died and went to comedy heaven.

I swear everyone in the audience was fantastic! At the end of the show, people actually chanted my name! It was the first time I heard "CALVIN!" without it being followed by "Get off the stage!"

The whole show was amazing as well! April Brucker did her ventriloquist bit, which I always enjoy. Kristine Petruchione (I'm so sorry for effing up your name numerous times!) did a great burlesque number. Punch 59 was a fantastic sketch group that had a Christians vs. Jews bit. There was Jared the Conjurer who managed to escape from a burlap sack inside a cardboard box. Kara Ayn did a reading of 23, which was soooo funny (and also dirty, I don't know why I was worried about my own stuff). No Laugh Track Required did some great improv. Elizabeth Styles performed a new song off an album she shopped around (it was excellent!). And Lala closed the show with a killer song and dance number.

This is what a showcase should be. It was great to see talented people get rewarded for being talented. I'm tired of seeing comics get on stage and make in-jokes to other comics. I'm so tired of this pervasive stand-up scene where everything is one big circle jerk. And it was great to not just do real material, but to do real material that I know is solid!

I will try to put up some links and there may be a Youtube vid floating around soon.

Thank you so much Juan and Jason for giving me the opportunity to host. The whole show was amazing!

And big-ups to my pal Warren for coming to see the show. I really appreciate it man!

Mounting Fees

It's official; I have to buy a camera! My fame is catching up with me and I don't have a video or audio of myself floating around the Webiverse. So I'm going to break down and buy a half-decent camera with money I don't really have. Can someone drop a $1,000,000 lottery ticket on the floor right now? Please??!?! For serious - a brutha is po' right now.

Plus, check my MySpace link. Due to popular demand (and by that I mean the demand of my 1 and only 1 devoted fan), I have finally updated my MySpace calendar so you can all see the lovely shows I'll be doing for the next couple months. Most are free, some are auditions - you should come. So that one day, I'll land a Comedy Central Special and pay you back for all the 2 drink minimums and shitty shitty small back rooms you supported me through.

Back To My Roots

So, my stint as a theatre actor has ended, not with a whimper, nor a bang.

I am back to doing stand-up which you should see soon...or better yet now!

I'll be doing a rough cut at Studio 315 a.k.a. the Comedy Corner.
Comedy Corner - The Workout:
303 West 42nd Street (go to 42nd Street, enter thru right side, go up to the 3rd floor and go to room 315)
TIME: 8:00 PM - 9:30 PM
DRINKS: $5 on Grey Goose and Tonics
COST: $5 (but it's worth it!!!)

And of course, there is my weekly show at Pinetree Lodge! It's going to be a hot show in the even hotter city Monday night.

President Jackson Show:
326 East 35th Street (between 1st and 2nd Ave)
TIME: Mondays 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM
Drink Specials: 2-for-1 draft beers and well drinks ($5 only, yes please!)
Cost: FREE!!!!!

Finally, what's up with the British invasion??!?! Between Amy Winehouse (or Amy Crackhouse - come on, please get your life together), M.I.A. (who's pretty much global), and Lily Allen, I think I should apply for dual citizenship.

De-lay, Boss, De-lay: An Open Letter To The MTA

Dear MTA,

Today it took me 2 hours to get into work. Apparently because of a big bad thunderstorm all train service was delayed, which is marginally understandable. I take my usual bus (which is never on time) to the 2 line. I was told the 2 is closed but I could take a bus to the F.

Cool! I get on said bus, which is packed with people, very sweaty irritable people, and ride out the dankness. The bus goes from "We're making all stops" to "Our last stop will be at the Q station. The station is not open. This bus is going out of service." Que? And then when I asked your employees about how I can get to the train I need, all I got were apathetic stares and eye rolls.

I then walk 20 blocks to the F (because every bus in the city is either packed or "out of service") to get on an overcrowded train to transfer to another overcrowded train. And not only do I have the honor of getting to swap sweat with my fellow riders and stand next to someone whose breath smells like cat anus, my commute comes complete with someone coughing phlegm into my newspaper.

Now I understand that the weather was bad and things are hectic, but how are you going to have a bus driver drop people off at a train station that BY THE DRIVER'S OWN ADMISSION isn't open? Come on MTA, that's fucking retarded! Why are buses going out of commision for no reason?? Why weren't more trains re-routed to support stranded riders??? And then you want to propose a fare hike????!!

In sum I want $7, $6 for the cost of transportation and $1 for my paper (I know it was free, but I'm tacking on labor and sweat taxes).

Thanks again for the hell ride and please go fuck yourselves,

Calvin

Work Sux, I Know!

Best Bonding Sesion Ever:

Me: You know Dad, sometimes I find it so hard to get up to go to work.
Dad: Welcome to the world. I'm taking today off; don't tell mom.

(If you're reading this, sorry mom!)

OjOs: An Off-Broadway Play

Come see OjOs: a play I'm in. Betcha didn't know I could act, didja?? Hell I didn't know I could act but we'll see.

The play has been going on for a while and Friday (tonight) is a free show! The play will also run next week Sunday - Friday: tickets are $12.

Location:
Studio 315 NYC
303 W42nd Street, 3rd Floor (right off 8th Avenue; go through the door on the right)
646-330-4662

Seating starts at: 7:00 PM

Tickets available via: www.DarkMoonNYC.org

How Popular Am I?

So I recently signed up for this Google Analytics thingy which does some sort of stie tracking or some junk (I'm so inter-web-savvy, can't ya tell?). Basically, I want to see how many people actually visit this thing, in case I should cut my losses and invest in putting info on a stock ticker over Times Square.

So far, it says 0 hits which is sad. Sigh, it's like sitting around at your own birthday party and waiting for people to show up. Except this blog doesn't offer free booze so the incentive really isn't there.

Oh right! I also have to start re-posting past articles. I think I'll do that soon. Maybe that will drive up the counters, or stats or whatever.

Here's where you can see 'em all at once: Wesleyan Argus Search!

I'll still post super-specials up here though. The next one is an oldie that may only apply to people under 25, but then again the statistics show that that's my best demographic so...we'll see.

Two-Fare Zone

I live in the middle of nowhere in Brooklyn. In order to get home, I take a train, to a bus, to another bus, hail a rickshaw to take me across a rainbow bridge, answer a riddle from a Sphinx, wrassle up a unicorn and ride down a yellow-brick road. It. Sucks. Balls.

It's a pain in the ass when you have to wait on a bus AND a train. Cuz if both of these are late, you are beyond effed. Adn buses in NYC sucks all kinds of ass. Sure there are less nutcases than there are on the train but that's because most buses are so late that the crazies get tired of waiting for them. And what's with the stank attitude from bus drivers? It's not my fault you chose that job out of the sorting hat - suck it up!

I've been trying to move to anyplace close to a train, but since this is NYC (Land of trust fund hipsters and cocaine-addled yuppies), I'd have to sell some organs to get a decent studio (which sucks because I only have so many, but then again if I sell organs I won't have to eat as much, so maybe I COULD afford an overpriced cave).

Seriously can someone send me a link or e-mail me a super-secret connection that everyone else seems to have except me? I won't tell anybody, promise!

In fact, just e-mail me; don't even send a link. I don't want my other fans to know.