Thursday, July 31, 2008

Book Found + Sinister Dexterity

Rejoice: The joke book has been found!!! Thanks to Josh from the Fine Anddandy Showcase (the show goes on the last Wednesday of every month and is awesome!). It's a mix of stand-up, sketch, music, and short movies.

Which leads to my next segue: I was in Josh and Tim Montoya's short film Sinister Dexterity. A piece of my routine is in there so you should check it out! The short stars: Tim Montoya, Dan Fontaine, Sue Funke, and more... Below is part one and part two. And when I learn how to embed videos, I will do so (I really have to step up my HTML...son). Werd!

Sinister Dexterity Part One

Sinister Dexterity Part Two

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

No More Hiatus

I am officially back to doing comedy again (I'm not really ready yet but during my "hiatus" I did 4 shows and shot 2 comedy web videos so it really ended up being the lousiest break in history). I did write some new material and re-formulated my voice (err...I don't even know what that means but the pros say it).

Anyway here's a tentative calendar of places you can see me perform. You can also check my Myspace calendar, as it will be soon updated (yay for!).

FRIDAY, SATURDAY: LOL Comedy Club 8 PM, 10 PM, 12 AM (August 1, 2)
7th Avenue bet. West 50th and 51st Street
I'm doing 8 - 10 minutes o' time. The place just opened up and I'm not sure what the cost but it is really cheap! The 8 PM may be free if you buy 2 [cheap] drinks. Take advantage of it! You'll see me in a club and you can pay reasonable club prices.

MONDAY: Pinetree Lodge 9 PM (August 4)
326 East 35th Street (between 1st and 2nd Avenue)
I'm back to hosting again! And this show is free. And there are 2-for-1 drink specials.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Haydie P's Wake Up Call Addendum

Addendum: You'll note I did not include a link to Haydie P's album. That's because I'm not going to; I will not actively support people viewing this song. Ever. I will link to Youtube and have you search for it yourself.

Hayden Panettiere's Album: Wake Up Call or Terrible Snooze Alarm?

I recently had the "pleasure" of watching Hayden Panettiere's newest single/music video "Wake Up Call." Quite frankly, it's just bad. And not bad in a "this-is-a-horrible-train-wreck" bad. It's 2000s bad - where there's just too much flash, generic-ness and culture co-opting going on.

The video: We start with a classic face montage/slow walk that seems to be all in the rage in female pop videos. Then she's holding a mic and about some boy she's pissed off at. He's hitting on chicks and she wants him to stop. Her big plan is to...air grind around on a dance floor in tight black outfits. Oh and flirt with him while dressed as other girls.

And then, there is the gangster scene. Where Haydie P [yes I'm calling her that, she's gangsta now!] dons the tightest hoodie known to (wo)man and psuedo-raps while flailing her arms, hardcore style (TM).

She leaves the club with her friends when she "confirms" his eye-wandering, in a different jacket than the one she had on (go continuity!).

First problem: The gangster scene. Listen: Haydie P IS NOT GANGSTA! At all! Let that chick go to the South Bronx and she'll be calling for some heroes. Plus, what's with the arm flailing? It's like she's doing a flamingo mating dance. Ugh!

Second problem: The song theme. So her boyfriend may be cheating on her and her solution is to...consider cheating on him and then pretend to be other girls and hit on him? Because, that's totally sane. Oh yeah that's a totally rational plan. "Maybe he's cheating, what do I do? Should I directly ask him? Or should I kiss some random guy and uber-stalk my boyfriend in a disguise and a mini-skirt?" This is the kind of advice I'd expect from Sweet Valley High books or Miss Cleo but not from an alleged mature adult.

Third problem: Lousy writing! What really makes my soul cry is the fact that she's not even rhyming words well. For Pete's sake, she rhymes "cheat" and "me." She rhymes call and comfortable (cutesily pronounced "comf-ter-BALL")! Good Lord, she rhymes through and roof! That's as grating as Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. What are you doing Haydie P, free verse?! Because, I don't think you've learned enough of the basics to break the mold. Honestly, not even bothering to rhyme on a shitty reggae beat is the same as crusty nails on a chalkboard.

Fourth problem: The borderline pedophilic T & A. I saw at least 30 seconds of pure butt-shaking. Does this really add to the song or have any context? Going back to the alleged adult statement, this girl is 18. And she has nothing better to do than shake around and stare poutily into a camera?? Are we supposed to admire or lust after her? It's a sick 2000s dichotomy created between the artist and the audience. I'm only 24 but I feel like a 40 year old suffering from a sex drought looking at this video. It's like "To Catch A Predator" creepy.

I'm ashamed to say I added 4 viewer hits on YouTube trying to understand what the hell is going on in this video. I'm more ashamed to say that I spent 30 minutes writing about this. But if this post helps at least one person, my ears won't have dulled in vain.

Haydie P, I like you in Heroes. Please stick to acting and being a fanboy's fantasy. Don't venture into badland scarcely-a-triple-threat territory. It's for your own good.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

In Shameless Advertising News...

Here's a link to all the articles I wrote for the Wesleyan Argus. Quite frankly, I'm prouder of the earlier stuff (before I graduated and got all maudlin and pathetic), but there are some choice ones in there.

Bounce around and read the stuff I got there if you have a chance!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hiatus + Bad Reads = X

As some of you may know, I took a hiatus from comedy (for about a week). I have since broken that fast by doing a show on Tuesday and a web video on Monday. The show on Tuesday...well it wasn't bad. I could say I did my job and I got to try out some newer stuff. But I still blanked on some of the things I want to do. Best line: "Hello my name is Calvin. I eat balls for a living" (thanks Richie!).

There were some really fantastic people there. Del was the (always) hilarious hostess and there were some really good sets there by Liz Miele, Ken Perlstein, Todd Lynn, Dan Hirshon and Giulia Rozzi. See these people if you get a chance! I may be back up to running a show again and I've got some stuff in the works. In the meantime please go check out President Jackson show! (326 East 35th Street between 1st and 2nd Ave). Every Monday (9 PM – 10 PM)
In other news, I know I owe somebody another review of Marvel's "Secret Invasion" after that test, but I'm just too tired. The sad part is that I WANT to like the storyline sooo bad, but I just can't give a shit about the bad pacing anymore. I read Secret Invasion #4 a couple of days ago and I had so many problems with it, I wanted to set fire to my entire collection, which isn't much...hell it consists of a shitload of bad Wolverine comics and some of Fabian Nicieza's Gambit (which you should read if you ever find was actually one of the better mainstream books to come out in the 1990s).

In theory we're at the halfway mark of the damn story, and...nothing has happened. Seriously, I’ve read 4 main issues and at least 8 tangential issues and like an hour has passed in story time. And all the tie-in back-stories are starting to suck the life out of the whole storyline and they make less than zero sense (Mighty Avengers #16?? New Avengers #42??! How can you even reconcile these issues with what readers have read before??!?!?!). I'll try to get enthused again but it's so clear that the writer doesn't give a shit about characters or continuity or basic logic and motivation, only the plot and his agenda. It's like watching a movie where characters keep pulling ridiculous "Shhhh, it just needs to be this way" excuses to do retarded things for the sake of the story. And in general, if you have 22 pages to tell a story and 10 of those pages are devoted to ugly, muted fight scenes, you aren’t doing your job.

Ugh, I am so past done with Brian Michael Bendis and his nonsense and his penchant for "big explosions" and "mysterious people" who never seem to DO ANYTHING. And what’s grating is watching him contradict himself in HIS OWN STORIES. I mean, he does the plotting and his new stuff is contradicting stuff that HE HIMSELF WROTE like 6 months ago.

That being said I'll probably still write the reviews. And then buy the rest of the series. And then bitch about wasting $60 that could have went to student loans. And then finally write that test comic book script I was planning to write two years ago.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Nothin' But The Rent

In current events news, congressman Charles Rangel (chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee) was discovered to have four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem. In fact he was using one as an office. Finally, he was told that he had to give up the office space apartment.

Was I the only person in New York City who hit CTRL+F to find out the exact address and fill out an application to live there? If I can get the place at that rent-stabilized price, I'll happily pay a broker's fee or give money to Rangel's campaign.

Monday, July 14, 2008


For my birthday, my mom told me I have no real career goals and then said she filled out an application for me to get food stamps and is mailing the document for me to sign - "for my own good".

She may as well have attached a card that says. "Sweetie, I love you, but you have no future, so here's some government cheese."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Seriously??!! - Sometimes Culture is Effed Up

So...Girls Gone Wild has a soundtrack??!

Ummmmmmmmmm...kay. Who's buying this? Do the people buying it realize that it's a CD?!?! Meaning that you can't SEE anything? Are the songs overdubbed by moans? Does the CD come with a fleshlight and lube? Will the music give ou an ear infection? Why does the CD cover say Girls Gone Wild Music Uncensored? Doees the non-editing of curse words make it sexier? I have so many rhetorical questions!

As a side note, people who bought the CD also bought "The Essential O'Jays." Which totally seems like someone bought the damn thing and then tried to play cover-up. Or that a total perv has the same music sensibilities as my grandfather. Either way, gross!

Wesleyan Alumni Magazine

This is more job- and future-related than my usual posts. But thanks to a really wonderful editor (seriously she's a super-sweet lady who understands that when life gets pukey, grab a bucket and keep going), I am back to writing the Wesleyan Alumni Magazine's class notes (it's basically a collection of small blurbs about what everyone's been up to and what crazy fun times people are having). If there are any Wesleyan alums who read this blog, please get in contact with me and let me know what you're up to. Find me on Facebook and drop a comment!

And now to fulfill the comedy portion of this entry, here is the letter I sent out (I changed the class year to keep my age mysterious...wooooooooo):

Dear Class of X

I am in charge of writing about the class of 2006 for the Wesleyan Alumni Magazine and I need some notes and quotes from you all concerning what you are doing with your lives. Reply and say ANYTHING (even if it's "I don't have a job, please leave me alone.") Or you can give me an outline of what you want me to say and I will word it in a sophisticated manner.

Here are examples of things you can e-mail me:
ex. 1: I have no job. Make this fact sound funny.
ex. 2: I am auditioning for Girls Gone Wild but please put down it's an independent film.
ex. 3: I am researching tampons--please make this sound more medical.
ex. 4: I have just set up a non-profit organization that benefits elephants in Antarctica (I highly doubt you’ve done this…but if you have, that would be awesome and worth noting)

Remember this is a space you can use to make shout-outs, so if you are an aspiring FILL-IN-THE-BLANK and you want to promote something, here is your chance.

Please respond and get back to me by Tuesday July 15th, or you’ll be reading 800 words about my life, and no one needs to read about that…

Thank you and best of luck with everything,

Calvin S. Cato

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I Want You To Want Me

Okay, I'm new at this blogging stuff and frankly I'm surprised I even have that many postings. But what's up with the spam comments? Does that mean I'm actually popular or is it just a matter of seniority - in the same way, that all the junk mail starts pouring in 3 months after you start using credit cards?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Fast Company: What Would Bill Gates Do?

It's shameless, I know, but I was mentioned in an article about Bill Gates on Fast Company. If you're planning on becoming an entrepreneur, or if you like business and are a little tech savvy, then you should check the site and peruse the magazine if you see it on the racks. Also, you should check out Inc. Magazine too.

Here is the article: WWBGD

Have a happy Fourth of July!