Thursday, April 24, 2008

Picaresque: A Blog In Vignettes

I've lived in New York City for too long. While I was on the subway, a lady fell on the floor and screamed "Ow my leg!" And instead of asking "Are you okay?" I stared at her and thought "She'd better not pull this 'I'm injured' shit to cause a train delay. I have to get home and watch a repeat of The Riches on FX tonight."


My standards for what I deem a "good comedy performance" have plummeted. At first I thought I did a great set if the audience laughed. Then it became, I've done a good show if 50% of the audience laughed. Now it's become, I've done a good set if 50% of the audience understands English. Apparently, you don't need to laugh now to make me happy. You just have to look at me and nod. I need to do comedy in front of puppies.


I took an exercise dump today. It was one of those dumps where even your face muscles get in on the action. I think I lost 2 pounds expelling the log and another 3 from sweat and determination.

Anatomy Of A Bad Set

NOTE: Jokes have been omitted or edited to protect the guilty.

AT THE CLUB........

CC THOUGHTS: Okay the last was really funny. I just have to be as funny as him. Not to worry. I've got my list memorized and everything and this is going to be AWESOME!!!!!11111one

HOST: And now for the next guy coming to the stage! He's played clubs and colleges all over New York City. He's the wonderful and talented CC!!!


CC THOUGHTS: Alright, it's a cold crowd, but that's okay!

CC: How's everyone doing tonight?! Don't worry, we have 18 other comics coming up after me...

AUDIENCE: 6 laughs

CC THOUGHTS: Okay, not getting a positive vibe but I'll bring the love!


AUDIENCE: 5 disparate laughs

CC THOUGHTS: Okay it's just 3 1/2 more minutes

CC: Alright that's cool. I'll wow you with this one. [JOKE 2 - Filler]

AUDIENCE: Two chuckles, one cough

CC: Well I'm glad I didn't quit my day job, right?

LONE HECKLER: We already heard day job jokes!

CC: Well then what do you to hear? That my life is happy? Because I can't say that a high point is staring into a crowd of 20 disinterested white people. I feel like I'm on an auction block here.

AUDIENCE: Dead silence.

CC THOUGHTS: Oh boy, that set race relations back. MLK would be proud.

CC: Whew! I guess that should have been saved for therapy, right?

AUDIENCE: Two people cross their arms and shake their heads.

CC: Okay, well, uh, [JOKE 3].

AUDIENCE: Silence.


CC THOUGHTS: Okay, well it's almost over. I still have my drink at the table. I can just down it and leave. Oh right, I got to think of a closing joke. Let's see, joke, joke, joke, joke. Alright here's a good, nah too racist. Or maybe, no too neighborhood specific. Oh shit I've bene rambling about Egg McMuffins for 40 seconds, do something, get off the stage. Abort! Just abort!

CC: Well, this has staring at each other for 5 minutes. Thank you

AUDIENCE: [Begrudging claps]

HOST: Let's hear it again for CC. [Silence]. Alright...



CC: Well thanks, I think you did a much better job.

AFC (TM): Well, it's a crowd thing.

FAN: (To AFC) Oh my God! You were so wonderful. My friends and I were dying! Where do you perform? I can't wait to see you again. (turns to CC) Oh hey. (back to AFC) So anyway, oh my God, you were totally awesome! What's your phone number? Do you have a MySpace?! Let's be i-pals.

CC: I have to go. I'll see you around.

CONCLUSION: Go home and ponder ways to kill yourself which won't leave you disfigured and allow you to have an open casket funeral.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Sometimes, People Need Too Much Attention

So apparently, at Yale, this art student Aliza Shvarts decided for her senior project that it would be a great idea to get herself pregnant multiple times in the span of 9 months, abort her babies, film the process and save the bloody sheets - and call that art. Read more here:

...Except, now it's apparently a hoax. Again, lea aqui!

I have said it multiple times, but I will say it again: This is the exact reason why minorities hate white people. First of all, if you go to the first link, take a look at what this chick looks like. A hipster mess - leopard skirt, boots, tights...what the hell is she doing - going on safari in Connecticut? Oooh and she's wearing a hoodie, because that shows how much she hates being conventional. Yes, she chose substance over style. Actually she chose substance over personality.

Look little girl, why don't you get a real job, stop sponging off mommy and daddy, and stop giving handjobs to random frat guys so you can feel like you're worth something? Filming an abortion to make a statement about art and the human body is ...well retarded. And you give pro-lifers more ammunition so they can continue to make wrong-headed arguments like "See, women can't be trusted to make their own decisions. Having the right to abortion leads to women making it into art or a spa day."

And if it's a hoax, that makes it 2,000,000 times worse. Is her art that shitty that she need a desperates cry for attention like this? I bet she just smokes a lot of pot in her room and uses her sketchbook as a surface for her to cut her cocaine on as she sits around watching VH1 and thinking "God I'm so fucking smart and privileged, I don't even have to be responsible!"

Puh-leeze, I can see her future. She'll move to New York and live in a loft with three like-minded faux-artist types. Maybe she'll work at a bar twice a week but she won't hold down a job for longer than a month and she'll constantly ask her parents to put money in her account and buy groceries from Costco for her. After 4 years of living in abject poverty, she'll listen to her parents, go to law school, get married, move to Westchester and have 3 kids. In the end she'll talk about the abortion as "that silly project" and use it as an excuse to say she was a "wild child." When in reality, she's a completely unoriginal, unlikeable, sellout poser with a bad haircut.

Conclusion: this girl is pathetic. I've already wasted too much blog space hating her.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Personal Goal

If you were to ask me what I think is the best type of performance, I can honestly tell you it is a one-person show. It is such an amazing memoir format. I think I'd like to do that, just sit down and tell a thirty-minute story of my life. Maybe I can call it "Job Interview." It'll reflect the quarter-life crisis situation well. I want to be able tell a story in a minimalist and serious fashion. Maybe, at the end of the day, I don't want to strictly tell jokes. I want to tell jokes in anecdotes. For me, comedy is about learning how to tell a really funny story. If I am at the point where I can confidently do that, I will feel like I have succeeded at comedy and I can quit there.

We'll see...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

And Now For Something Not-So-Completely Different

I haven't really been using this blog to the best of my ability. I've spent a lot of time chilling on the negative side of the coin and now it's time for me to turn stuff around. And, moreover, I'm going to start a long-term project, soemthing Im actually interested in.

I've made it no secret that I want to write for Marvel Comics (thoguh I'd totally go to DC Comics if they eve rgave me a chance). Howver, my secret goal is to be a Talking Head on "Best Week Ever" or "The Soup" or "E!: Just Another Infotainment Show." So I'm adding a new blog segment where I discuss/review comics.

The title: "Best Ink Ever" (clever, right? Right? Bazing!)

See, the premise is that once a week I'm going to go to a store, read a couple of comics, then go home and write about it (okay, it's not a complicated procedure, but this isn't a science project, so whateva...) Tune in for this week's edition. It'll be...well something.

PS: I got a spam comment. Aww, I feel all marginally internet popular and sheeit. I may ride the gravy train to stardom the likes of Tay Zonday and Sneezing Panda (so cute!).