Funemployment Day 1: Now With More Plugs!

I did a multimedia article (read: article and slideshow) that appeared on the www.inc.com website. Check it out!

7 New Technology Marvels!

In other news, I'm officially on Day 1 of being an unemployee and I've been keeping busy. I did take some time to play a little Megaman X (which kicks @$$)! Really random aside, I used to call @$$ "a and change" as a euphemism for ass. Then again I use a lot of portmanteaus and weird phrases. As of yesterday, I now call my game show host voice "Pat Sa-black." Ironically there's no Vanna White in my act.

Another aside, this is the problem of being a personal blogger and a comedian. I end up strip-mining my life for information, to the point where my memories feel like an exploited territory. No wonder the pro memoir-ists are liars.

Thank You Audience And Fans!!!

Serious thank yous to everyone who came out to support the first Skeleton Crew show! It was a mega-success and I'd like to keep it rolling! Also thanks for the people who actually picked up my resumes. Jeers to the people who used them as drink coasters though! Fie on you, fie!

More Plugs:

President Jackson Show (326 East 35th Street bet. 1st and 2nd Av)
My other baby; the show is going down this Monday! We've got wonderful comics and 2-for-1 drink specials. The summer's almost over, and I know some of you are thirsty!

TIME: 9:00 PM

Skeleton Crew: Tagine Dining Galler (537 9th Avenue souht of West 40th)
The next show is September 4th and the show is biweekly. If you're a comic, musician or poet, please e-mail or contact me. Note: when you e-mail me take the dashes out and put in the @ symbol (it's a spam thing).

c-a-t-o-c-a-l-s-[at]-g-m-a-i-l-.com

TIME: 8:00 PM (NOTE: It's in the basement)

Old Jobs, New Tics

Now that the end of my magazine stint is on the horizon, I've been thinking back on the terrible temp jobs I've had. I remember working at this one place for 2 weeks. The boss would have me sit at a really old busted-up computer and type printouts into a computer (which makes no sense, I mean if you're printing it out, doesn't that mean the files are in the system already???!). The situation wasn't helped by the fact that 3/4 of the office was made up of temps and they all HATED the place! Seriously, one woman had a running list of ways to murder the boss that she'd minimize whenever he approached. It was dysfunctional.

At one point, I came in, sat down, and waited for the boss to give me something. And of course, he waited until 5:00 PM to give me a huge stack of loose papers to alphabetize. The process took 3 hours of my life I can never get back, and when I was done, he gave me a $5 Starbucks card. A $5 Starbucks is your way of saying "Thank you?!!!??!" Have you been to Starbucks?! What the hell am I going to get for $5? A coffee bean and three ice chips? I kept wondering what he would give as a Christmas present. "As a bonus, here's a $2 gas card. It's just enough for you to drive around the gas station. Also, here's a $10 airline ticket coupon."

Jokes From A Notebook I Filled 6 Months Ago...

I hate it when I get too drunk at a party, because then I wake up the next morning with a Hangover Dilemma. That's the problem where you have to crawl to the bathroom and figure out how you're going to pee and puke in the toilet at the same time.
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I once did temp work at a place where my co-workers were having an argument about the best way to beat their kids. One co-worker said she liked using a newspaper because that doesn't leave a mark. She then asked me about how I'd beat my kids. I said "I don't know; the only time my my mom ever beat me was at Scrabble." To this day, I can't look at seven-letter words the same way.
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My friend posed a hypothetical question to me: "If you were a crackhead, would you rather suck dick for crack or have anal sex for crack?" Isn't that a stupid question? I mean, if I were a crackhead, I would rather have crack. I don't think I'd really be making a value judgment on what I'd do for a substance I'm addicted to.
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In the news, there was a story about a guy who was arrested for raping an innocent woman. In order to take suspicion off of himself, the guy decides to murder the woman. How did he make that leap in logic?! That would be like me cheating on my taxes and then, as soon as I get audited, throwing off suspicion by robbing Fort Knox.

The H Word

I’ve been an open-mic/free show/alt venue/barking veteran for two years and this just dawned on me today: I am a bona fide Class A hater. Whenever I leave a comedy venue, I take the Hateration Express to my apartment in Hatelem, go to my refridgerhater, microwave some hater tots, sip on some Hatessy and start hating. Then when my electrolytes are out of balance, I get a tall glass of Haterade and continue hating. Then when I think I’m done, I crack open my hatesaurus so I can find new words to use for my hate-tirade. And right before I pass out from all the haterology, I say a prayer to Hatey McHaterson, god of all hate. I. Hate. Too. Much.

When I first started, I thought comedy was about love. I had a whole Rhoda meets Cheers fantasy where I’d meet some nice people in hip threads and throw my hat in the air a lot and have wacky hijinks involving jukeboxes and saving bars from closing down. And I was warned that comedy would be hard. I heard people say “Comedy is lonely and bitter and difficult. You will see things that will piss you off. It’s not a brotherhood [sisterhood? bristerhood?]” I remember hearing comedians talk smack and I'd go, "WTF? How can you be such a hater?" THeir response: "You'll see."

I do now; I too have become that guy. If someone gets a 5 second talking head spot on VH1, it’s “Who’s dick did he suck?” If someone gets a free club spot: “If she wasn’t friends with the producer, she wouldn’t have got that spot either.” If someone gets a small-venue spot that pays $50: “I bet the owner only auditioned 3 people. If I were there, I would have snatched that spot.”

The reason I’m having a crisis is because I’m afraid of becoming a Hypocrisy Hater. These are the haters who you see talking so much shit about a comic that they need a breath mint after they’re done spewing. But when the “hated” comes into view, the tune changes. Ex: “Who the hell is this asshole? How the hell did he get a spot? I can’t believe people think his shit is funny. I bet a retarded monkey wrote his jokes.” [Hated walks in] “Oh my God! Hi, how are you? It’s been sooo long. I saw your spot on MTV. How was that? Are you still in touch with the producers? Are you doing any shows I can be a part of?” [Cue sucking and slurping noises].

I was talking to my non-comic friend about this and he was the one who pointed out my change in character. I became that aggressive spot-chaser who doesn’t slow down to appreciate what he has and what he can do with what he has. I became that person who has to spit barbs to stay on top. And that’s not me. Rather, that shouldn’t be me. Comedy…hell entertainment in general shouldn’t do that to me.

I started listening to myself when my hater-herpes is flaring and I realized: How is this helping me? How is this healthy? I spend more time hating on people than I do working on my own act. I cough up all this venom and yet all it does is poison me. Perhaps the questions I should ask are “How did he/she hear about these spots? Did you get it through an agent? Do you have any advice for someone who’s un-agented?”

So, this is me making a conscious effort to purge myself of the bile and start being positive. If I have nothing nice to say, I won’t say anything at all... Okay that’s a bit much. How about this: I promise I won’t say anything about anyone’s mama. What? – I can’t just quit cold turkey!

[PS: Watch me renege on this idea in 3 months. But I swear to you, concerted effort!]

One More Thing...

I will doing Pete's Candy Store again on September 8, hosted by the famous and fantabulous Jen Dziura. She is up there as one of the nicest comedians to work with, and a pleasure to see.

Check out this blog poster:



Please check out Jen's site to find out about where she is and what she's doing. I know there is a sidebar link already (look at me using bloganese), but do check it out. And also check out Thu Tran, graphic deisgner extraordinaire!

P.Jackson Show and NEW NEW FREE SHOW!!!!!

I don't have an organizer...I got a free one that was a school year organizer and not a real year one (i.e. January to December), so I got a little screwed there. I have another organizer in my house, but ironically I lost it. (ASIDE: This is actually true, and not a joke. And yes I am aware that as a joke, that two-liner is one of the oldest around. In fact I own an Archie Double Digest which has that joke in it. (ASIDE 2: Whatever happened to Archie Comics? I feel like I rarely see them anymore. Bring that back to the waiting aisles at the supermarket. I miss Archie and Reggie and Betty and Veronica and Moose and the token black guy who seemed to be good at every single sport...what was his name?)

Anyway, here's some shows I'm doing. I'm getting the word out since I sent in my stuff a little too late and I probably won't get listed. I did Facebook 2 bajillion people (which means 5 people will show up) but I'm hoping to make it a show of 15. The important show is next Thursday! Please please come!

MONDAY: President Jackson Show
326 East 35 Street (between 1st and 2nd Avenue)
9:00 - 10:00 PM
This is FREE and it's Joe Dixon's baby! I'm not the father though (I went on Maury and I'm 50,000% sure). I'm hosting and Nasry Malak (Comix), Nick Cobb, Shane Webb (Boston Comedy), and Pat Lamb are on it. Oh and there's 2-for-1s.

THURSDAY: Tagine Dining - 537 9th Avenue (right off West 40th Street)

The Skeleton Crew:
Date: August 21st (Thursday)
Time: 8:00 PM - 9:30 PM
Cost: Free

Calvin Cato’s out of a day job but at least he’s got friends! Come watch him host an eclectic mix of stand-up comedy and music where he'll be giving out stuff he can’t pawn. Donations are accepted and all proceeds will go towards the Interview Suit Tailoring Fund. Oh, and did we mention that everyone who attends will get a free resume? Come see the Skeleton Crew: the only show that doubles as a job interview.

Esteemed guests include:

Scout Durwood (MTV's A Shot At Love)
Chris Griggs (NY Underground Comedy Festival, The PIT)
Boris Khaykin (UCB, Sirius Radio)
Del Harrison (BET, Hot 97, Caroline's)
Keith Alberstadt (Last Comic Standing, CMT, Sirius Radio, Time Out's Joke of the Week)
...and surprise special guests

For serious, come to both. They're FREE!

Oh...So...Awkward

One of my most favorite English phrases is “Don’t be That Guy.” And whenever I say it, I usually get asked “Who?” Well, That Guy (or alternatively That Girl or That Chick) is the lone person who manages to commit the biggest faux pas at any event or gathering.

Exempli gratia: you are at a house party and everything is winding out. People are slowing trickling out, people are relaxing on couches. Then, the host’s ex-girlfriend shows up, yelling and crying. She awkwardly wambles over to the stereo and knocks over some irreplaceable vase. Everyone groans in disgust, averts their eyes, and gets up to look for their stuff so they can leave. The ex-girlfriend is “That Chick.”

Or...there’s a guy at your favorite concert standing in front of you wearing the band T-shirt with a Mohawk so tall you can’t see past it. He’s yelling along with the band (though he thinks he’s singing in key) and now you can’t see or hear the band. This asshole would be That Guy.

Or you’re watching The Dark Knight Returns. And at that critical battle between Batman and the Joker, some woman’s cell phone goes off. Even though she shuts it off and yells “I’m so sorry!” she is totally, utterly, completely “That Girl.”

Sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a large gathering. There are times when even though I’m by myself, I know I’m That Guy. I’ve eaten a day-old sandwich wrapped in tinfoil sitting on my desk. That is something that That Guy would do. And moreover, me admitting to it my blog really REALLY makes me That Guy.

The universal thing to keep in mind is that That Guy/Chick is the one person you would NEVER want to be. Ever. Because That Guy is an Awkward Bomb. And no one wants to catch embarrassment; that stuff is worse than herpes. And you can’t treat awkward with a cream.

I hope this moment has been more informative than Urban Dictionary (which has some of the strangest and obscure terms I’ve ever seen...really?...but anyway). Remember kids: be safe, be cool, and don’t be That Guy. The More You Know!

Post 100! - Anti-Climax

Okay, I can't be around leftovers when I'm drunk. Seriously day old Chinese food is the new crack. I ate 3 chicken wings and a Styrofoam full of fried rice in 8 minutes flat. I'm surprised I'm not comatose. Or my blood hasn't become pure MSG.