Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Do NOT Go To John & Tonys West Pizzeria

Okay, about a month ago, I just finished a comedy show that some of my friends came to (you guys are awesome by the way). Afterwards, the four of us (all minorities) decide to go somewhere cheap to grab a quick bite to eat. That's when I came upon this empty pizzeria restaurant:

John & Tonys West Pizzeria: 547 Ninth Avenue between West 40th and West 41st Street.

First of all, all the slices had that plasticky jaundiced look that you see from food sitting out for days. Then, my friend had asked for a pepperoni pizza and he said he "could not make any more." (err...how can't you? You just put pepperoni on a pizza! Plus he already had a pepperoni and sausage pizza out). My friend Warren did not have a good feeling about it and neither did I, but my other friends Heather and Danielle said they'd try the place.

I was like "Fuck this guy, I'm buying a soda." Because I know that can is sealed and was not made by his hands. We're talking at normal volume and then he starts yelling at us "You're making a spectacle of yourselves. You're disturbing the business. Please be quiet." Ummm...we were the ONLY people in there. Heather starts looking around like "I know he's NOT talking to us" but we said "Okay we'll be quieter."

We lower our voices and continue talking and then he says "You're scaring away the business. You scare away my customers." Oh hell no! I didn't realize that too many minorities decreased the property values! I didn't know we formed a dark eclipse that made the restaurant unbearable to be in. My friend got so mad she was about to curse this guy out; she didn't even finish the overpriced slice. At this point, I said "We need to leave." I saw Do The Right Thing; I'm not about to go the Radio Raheem route.

We barely made it out the door before we start shouting all kinds of obscenities and made our vow never to eat there again.

But wait, there's more...

Two weeks later, I do the comedy show again and Warren, Heather and I decide to walk past and glare at the place through the window. As we work up the glare, Warren sees a mouse strutting through the area where the food is kept. Not running in and out, he's strutting like he's on a catwalk. And then two other mice came out into the area too. Needless to say my first thought was "EWWWWWWW!!"

How the hell is he going to chase us out when he has at least 40 health code violations?! He's going to complain about our "classlessness" when he has Fievel putting his paw prints all up in the flour. These were not cute Disney mice; these were mice that look like they were from the mean streets! It was like a ghetto Ratatouille going on in his oven. Disgusting!

We were telling passersby not to go in and pointing out the mice to them. The same owner came outside wanting to know what the fuss was about. We starting going off on him and pointing at the vermin running around in his shop and he...JUST SHRUGGED! He had the nerve to shrug! What?!!?! Were these rats helping him pay the rent? Is this the verminous version of Friends? Because I don't care; I do not want to support a small racist-owned business with rat droppings everywhere. Feces does not equal decoration and mice do not equal ambiance, sirrah.

Moral of the story: DO NOT EAT THERE. Not just on principle (he was so racist!), but also because you might catch bubonic plague from eating a cheese slice. I don't even want to know where the man gets his "pepperoni" from.

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