I recently had the "pleasure" of watching Hayden Panettiere's newest single/music video "Wake Up Call." Quite frankly, it's just bad. And not bad in a "this-is-a-horrible-train-wreck" bad. It's 2000s bad - where there's just too much flash, generic-ness and culture co-opting going on.
The video: We start with a classic face montage/slow walk that seems to be all in the rage in female pop videos. Then she's holding a mic and mouthing...er...singing about some boy she's pissed off at. He's hitting on chicks and she wants him to stop. Her big plan is to...air grind around on a dance floor in tight black outfits. Oh and flirt with him while dressed as other girls.
And then, there is the gangster scene. Where Haydie P [yes I'm calling her that, she's gangsta now!] dons the tightest hoodie known to (wo)man and psuedo-raps while flailing her arms, hardcore style (TM).
She leaves the club with her friends when she "confirms" his eye-wandering, in a different jacket than the one she had on (go continuity!).
First problem: The gangster scene. Listen: Haydie P IS NOT GANGSTA! At all! Let that chick go to the South Bronx and she'll be calling for some heroes. Plus, what's with the arm flailing? It's like she's doing a flamingo mating dance. Ugh!
Second problem: The song theme. So her boyfriend may be cheating on her and her solution is to...consider cheating on him and then pretend to be other girls and hit on him? Because, that's totally sane. Oh yeah that's a totally rational plan. "Maybe he's cheating, what do I do? Should I directly ask him? Or should I kiss some random guy and uber-stalk my boyfriend in a disguise and a mini-skirt?" This is the kind of advice I'd expect from Sweet Valley High books or Miss Cleo but not from an alleged mature adult.
Third problem: Lousy writing! What really makes my soul cry is the fact that she's not even rhyming words well. For Pete's sake, she rhymes "cheat" and "me." She rhymes call and comfortable (cutesily pronounced "comf-ter-BALL")! Good Lord, she rhymes through and roof! That's as grating as Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. What are you doing Haydie P, free verse?! Because, I don't think you've learned enough of the basics to break the mold. Honestly, not even bothering to rhyme on a shitty reggae beat is the same as crusty nails on a chalkboard.
Fourth problem: The borderline pedophilic T & A. I saw at least 30 seconds of pure butt-shaking. Does this really add to the song or have any context? Going back to the alleged adult statement, this girl is 18. And she has nothing better to do than shake around and stare poutily into a camera?? Are we supposed to admire or lust after her? It's a sick 2000s dichotomy created between the artist and the audience. I'm only 24 but I feel like a 40 year old suffering from a sex drought looking at this video. It's like "To Catch A Predator" creepy.
I'm ashamed to say I added 4 viewer hits on YouTube trying to understand what the hell is going on in this video. I'm more ashamed to say that I spent 30 minutes writing about this. But if this post helps at least one person, my ears won't have dulled in vain.
Haydie P, I like you in Heroes. Please stick to acting and being a fanboy's fantasy. Don't venture into badland scarcely-a-triple-threat territory. It's for your own good.
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