College Procrastination

I don't think I ever posted this article. This is from the days when I was a serious college journalist. Some of you guys may be familiar with my Worst Week Ever column (where I basically got an 800 word column to discuss whatever I was feeling miffed about). Man, those were the days, when peopel used to listen to my opinions. Those were also the days when I produced comedy shows with colleagues who actually respected each other and the audience was always 50+. This article is set in a mythical place called Wesleyan in a faraway land called Connecticut, where the trees stay green and the argyles are always dry cleaned.

Without Further Ado: College Procrastination Redux...

Worst Week Ever 2: If I Only Had More Time...

For this column I am writing on-site from the computer lab. To either side of me are students with frazzled hair, twitchy from downing Red Bulls and Starbuck's double shot espressos, trying desperately to finish their papers. The day is a Sunday, the time is 11:57 p.m. and I have both this column to write and a paper to finish. I have joined the rank of these sleep-deprived procrastinators and, needless to say, I am not pleased.

Why do we do this to ourselves, frittering away our free time, only to save the heavy work until the last minute? Now I know what you're thinking: "Procrastinators are just lazy; they're not having the worst week ever." Tut tut, disbelievers. Allow me to flowchart the course of a procrastinator's week so you can understand how we end up so screwed.

Monday: The teacher assigns the essay. She tells you that the essay is due next Monday - no excuses for lateness. She warns, "The questions may seem easy, but they require thought and a close reading of the text." You make a point of highlighting the assignment, adding a note that says "Remember to go home and start the paper. You'll regret it when Sunday rolls around and the paper isn't started." As soon as class is over, go home and take a nap. Mutter "I have all week to get a jump start on the paper." Cue ominous music.

Tuesday: Today is jam-packed with hours of class. It is your heavy day and you are too tired to look at the planner. Have a long dinner with friends. Gossip about the events of last weekend. Someone in your class will approach you and ask, "Did you start the paper yet?" Shake your head no and laugh; in your head you think, "We have all the time in the world." A small seed of fear implants itself in your mind.

Wednesday: Who are you kidding? Wednesday is bar night/bong night. And even if it wasn't, you won't commit yourself to anything academic at the hump of the week - please!

Thursday: The fear has grown into a seedling. That deadline looms over your head like a sword of Damocles. You question your values: "Where is that book I need to read? Shouldn't I at least have an outline for this paper?" As punishment, you do not allow yourself to go out, even though you heard about that raging party at Home Avenue. Do you get the work done? Of course not, because you're far too busy doing a crossword, getting your laundry done, and checking away messages.

Friday: While cleaning your room, you spot the book you need to re-read on the floor. This is the most physical contact you have made with the book so far. Read a couple of the pages, place Post-Its on an important passage. You're getting into being proactive - and then your phone rings. A friend tells you about a birthday party and you drop the book, hit the showers, and get ready to waste time.

Saturday: Even though you set aside a specific block of time to work on the paper, you decide it's okay to pave over those good intentions and watch some inane VH1 shows while surfing Facebook. Your housemates/bad influences drag you out to dinner where you sit for hours and discuss all the work you have to do. Instead of moving from the talking phase to the doing phase, you go back to your room, stare at the clock and think: "Can I start pre-gaming now?" Begin drinking at 10:00 p.m. sharp, continue onward until 2:00 a.m., and fall asleep on the bed fully clothed at around 4:00 a.m. Right before bed, you think "I'm going to get up at 10:00 a.m. and do this paper."

Sunday: After wiping the dried saliva off your cheek, you squint at the alarm clock. It flashes 3:30 p.m. Take a thirty-minute shower, pack your bag and go to the library to get stuff done. You are primed, an essay-writing machine - but the lighting in the room is so dreary and dull and then - you pass out. At 7:00 p.m. wake up, take an hour long dinner and get back to work. Your fingers are poised at the keyboard; the book is open in your lap. And you realize, "I don't even know how to start this paper." The fear plant is now a redwood of despair. Get angry at the teacher. How dare she expect you to write something? How is a week enough time? Type up some notes, erase a paragraph, and add in a huge quote. Think: She didn't warn you about how challenging this paper was going to be. She knows better than to screw you over like this. Bang out a couple of pages. Adjust the margins. Look at the time; it's 3:00 a.m. The paper is sprawling mess of quotes and half-finished thoughts. Go into perfectionist mode ("This paper looks so bad I just can't finish it") then bargaining mode ("Oh God, please help me get this done; I'll never do this again") then settle into defeatist mode ("I could just drop out of school right now and then I won't have to do this paper").

And then that Monday rolls around. Your face is greasy, your wrists hurt from the non-stop typing, your eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep. The paper is finished, incoherent but complete. In your unattractive and anemic condition, you drag yourself to the classroom, drop the paper on the teacher's desk and pass out in the back while she prattles on about deconstructing the state.

Don't you see? We need help - perhaps a PowerPoint presentation on the importance of being timely. Perhaps, we just have a genetic predisposition to wasting time. Or maybe there aren't enough hours in the day. I know there's a solution to the procrastinator's dilemma out there somewhere and I plan to find it - but I'll get to that in a couple of weeks.