The 8 Jokes I Never Want To Hear Again In 2008

In lieu of resolutions, I have decided to pass along knowledge to my fellow man. Thus I give you "The 8 Jokes I Never Ever EVER Want To Hear Again in 2008." This goes out to all my fellow comedians/writers/drunk storytellers.

(1) Jokes with the structure: "I like ___. I think that makes me a ___; my friends think that makes me a faggot."

WHY: Because we get it; you like something weird and metrosexual. That you have to resort to calling it gay makes you sound bigoted. The shock value of the word has long worn off, and you just look desperate now. Plus it's such a simplistic feint that it looks like you get all your jokes from the Christian right.

(2) "Why do white people act like X (irrational and verbose) but black people act like Y (rational but ignorant-sounding)?" and the remix "Why are all Asians like X (stereotypical 'Engrish' voice)?"

WHY: Because these jokes stopped being funny when desegregation happened. Seriously, it's not insightful to say that white people and black people act differently - especially not in New York City where pretty much everyone acts like they're insane. Maybe one day when Jim Crow laws go back in style and you have to peek over an electric fence at your differently-raced neighbors and muse about why chopsticks "be all silly and shit," then this could be considered valid material. But right now, you sound like Archie Bunker without the ironic and inherent cleverness (i.e. LAME!).

(3) Jokes that involve Arnold Schwartzenegger/Samuel L. Jackson accents.

WHY: Because no one does a good Schwartzenegger or Jackson accent. Schwartzenegger has been in office for four years now; let it go. Snakes on a Plane happened like 2 years ago; either buy the DVD or move on.

(4) Myspace/Facebook/Friendster/social networking site jokes.

WHY: Because you look like a tool when you have 2,000,000 i-friends and yet you're making fun of the site that's helping you get bookings and a cult following. As an aside, yes I do have a Myspace joke, but it's based on a true story...and I plan to drop it in a couple months.

(5) Jokes about the Puerto Rican Day/Dominican/West Indian parade

WHY: Because jokes hinged on the premise of minorities congregating together, getting drunk, and stealing from and raping white women aren't funny, they're just "Birth of a Nation Redux." Refer to the white people/black people/Asian people argument basically.

(6) Jokes about Britney Spears

WHY: Because it looks like you subscribe to Us Weekly and obsessively read Perez Hilton's blog; two places I don't even look at as an authority on fake celebrity news. Watch the Britney Spears Trade Wreck (TM) was never entertaining; it's just so WTFever. Whenever I hear a Britney joke, I just yawn and go "Wow, you spent 2 minutes on that, you realize you're going to need REAL MATERIAL now." Plus "Best Week Ever" and "The Soup" already do those jokes...and they do it better than you. Just follow the lead of that crazy androgynous kid and "Leave Britney alone!"

(7) Jokes about local comics

WHY: Because at the end of the day, it's lazy and it's rude. We're not in high school anymore; if you have nothing nice to say about another comic, don't say anything at all.

(8) BUSH JOKES!!!!!

WHY: Because...just stop it! I get it: George Bush is controversial. George Bush had substance abuse problems. Guess what? - it's not clever anymore. Hell, at this point it's actually funny to just listen to the President speak than to hear some bad comic do a bad Bush impersonation and then go "Look how politically savvy I am!" Newsflash: you're not! Bush jokes has been done to death and decomposed. If you're going to be political, do some real research and find a corrupt politician. All you need to do is spend 10 minutes on Wikipedia and you can find somebody.

-There it is, folks. You can either listen to my advice or not; your mileage may vary. But if I hear any variations on these jokes, I will walk out of the room (either mentally or physically) and never return for the rest of your set. Unless you're able to reinvent the wheel on these hack jokes. Which is doubtful.

Happy New Year!