Do NOT Go To John & Tonys West Pizzeria

Okay, about a month ago, I just finished a comedy show that some of my friends came to (you guys are awesome by the way). Afterwards, the four of us (all minorities) decide to go somewhere cheap to grab a quick bite to eat. That's when I came upon this empty pizzeria restaurant:

John & Tonys West Pizzeria: 547 Ninth Avenue between West 40th and West 41st Street.

First of all, all the slices had that plasticky jaundiced look that you see from food sitting out for days. Then, my friend had asked for a pepperoni pizza and he said he "could not make any more." (err...how can't you? You just put pepperoni on a pizza! Plus he already had a pepperoni and sausage pizza out). My friend Warren did not have a good feeling about it and neither did I, but my other friends Heather and Danielle said they'd try the place.

I was like "Fuck this guy, I'm buying a soda." Because I know that can is sealed and was not made by his hands. We're talking at normal volume and then he starts yelling at us "You're making a spectacle of yourselves. You're disturbing the business. Please be quiet." Ummm...we were the ONLY people in there. Heather starts looking around like "I know he's NOT talking to us" but we said "Okay we'll be quieter."

We lower our voices and continue talking and then he says "You're scaring away the business. You scare away my customers." Oh hell no! I didn't realize that too many minorities decreased the property values! I didn't know we formed a dark eclipse that made the restaurant unbearable to be in. My friend got so mad she was about to curse this guy out; she didn't even finish the overpriced slice. At this point, I said "We need to leave." I saw Do The Right Thing; I'm not about to go the Radio Raheem route.

We barely made it out the door before we start shouting all kinds of obscenities and made our vow never to eat there again.

But wait, there's more...

Two weeks later, I do the comedy show again and Warren, Heather and I decide to walk past and glare at the place through the window. As we work up the glare, Warren sees a mouse strutting through the area where the food is kept. Not running in and out, he's strutting like he's on a catwalk. And then two other mice came out into the area too. Needless to say my first thought was "EWWWWWWW!!"

How the hell is he going to chase us out when he has at least 40 health code violations?! He's going to complain about our "classlessness" when he has Fievel putting his paw prints all up in the flour. These were not cute Disney mice; these were mice that look like they were from the mean streets! It was like a ghetto Ratatouille going on in his oven. Disgusting!

We were telling passersby not to go in and pointing out the mice to them. The same owner came outside wanting to know what the fuss was about. We starting going off on him and pointing at the vermin running around in his shop and he...JUST SHRUGGED! He had the nerve to shrug! What?!!?! Were these rats helping him pay the rent? Is this the verminous version of Friends? Because I don't care; I do not want to support a small racist-owned business with rat droppings everywhere. Feces does not equal decoration and mice do not equal ambiance, sirrah.

Moral of the story: DO NOT EAT THERE. Not just on principle (he was so racist!), but also because you might catch bubonic plague from eating a cheese slice. I don't even want to know where the man gets his "pepperoni" from.

Free and In NYC This Thursdee (Thursday)

NOTE: I just wanted to rhyme in the title. Anyway, plugs for my comedy/music show this Thursday. It's free-ah and there's sangria. (Okay I'm no Shakespeare, I get it)

TITLE: Nouveau Poor
LOCATION: Tagine Dining Gallery - 537 9th Avenue (just south of West 40th Street)
COST: Free
DATE: Thursday October 23rd, 2008
TIME: 8:00 PM – 9:30 PM
DRINK SPECIALS: Yes! Sangria discounts!
TAGLINE: 100% Talent, 0% Health Insurance

"Calvin S. Cato (GSN, EVL, Naked Comedy Show) presents a wonderful blend of comedy and music in a cool Moroccan venue. We have comedians who've been featured on MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, and top comedy clubs around the country as well as musicians who've played at the top indie venues in New York City. Plus, there's belly dancing and hookah afterwards! Check out the only show that's like Casablanca in Technicolor."

Featuring:
Angry Bob (Last Comic Standing)
Hilary Schwartz (Time Out NY's Joke Of The Week)
Emily Epstein (HA! Comedy Club, Laugh Lounge)
Joe Pontillo (East Coast Comedy Tour)
Scout Durwood and Alyssa Wicks (MTV's A Shot At Love)
Jessica Delfino (London’s Soho Theatre, Village Voice’s Best Of Award)

Nine Ways A Employer Can Cause A Temp To Quit "Unexpectedly"

Hey Employer Man! Do you always wonder why you hire temporary or permanent employees who suddenly quit without warning? I know you think that in these economic times, anyone should be happy to work $10 an hour Xeroxing documents and fiddling around with Excel, but sometimes you may do and say certain things that "unwittingly" let your temp know how much you really value their time. Here's a list of 9 ways to drive a temp running into the foothills of unemployment:

(1) Constantly calling your new temp by the previous temp's name.

(2) Talking within earshot of your temp about a contingency plan in case he or she quits.

(3) Having a one-on-one "meeting" with your temp to explain the difference between dry and wet trash after falsely accusing him of throwing out a paper cup in the wrong bin.

(4) Asking your temp why he or she feels the need to have bathroom breaks longer than 2 minutes.

(5) Telling your temp a 10-minute-long story about hanging out with a rapper, then concluding the story with "I never thought I'd have so much in common with someone so...urban. You know what I mean?"

(6) Explaining to your temp that his or her current task involves a lot of math and then inquiring about his or her "adding skills."

(7) Talking to your temp about a relative who's marrying a black person, then expressing worry that their future child will have "to deal with that difficult black hair...no offense!"

(8) Responding to your temp's "Good morning" with "uh-huh" and then slamming your office door.

(9) Saying "Oh I didn't realize you were a reader!" in response to finding a novel on your temp's desk.

Funderemployment: Comedy Shouldn't Come From Pain

My feet hurt. Badly. I'm currently working at a place with an actual dress code. I have to wear real grown-up shoes, and like a retard the only footwear I have that fits this code are "interview shoes." These are the kind of shoes that are meant to be worn because they look nice when meeting with HR and shouldn't be on your feet for longer than 15 minutes. But no, I wear these things for at least 10 hours (8 hours at work and 2 in travel time, not counting any stray comedy shows I do) and I feel like I'm binding my feet. My feet hurt so bad that I'm shuffling through my house like I'm wearing genie pants and I'm trapped in a harem.

I'm tired of walking around dressed in a sweater vest and super-pressed slacks like a McCain supporter. Why do we have office dress codes? I sit in a back room huddled within three pseudo-walls. The only people who are looking at me are my co-workers and my boss; I don't need collar stays to enter data or answer phones. If I'm on the phone, people don't hear hints of denim in my voice. Frankly any dress code more strict than "Please don't come into work with a hypodermic syringe hanging out of your arm" is ridiculous.

Funderemployment: Day 5

So...I'm temping again. Of which...more to come. But I do hate one aspect of my job. People complain about the annoying paper clip, but you know what's a more annoying office icon? - The Adobe Acrobat guy.




He looks like a super-gay temp with a half-flattop. Honestly, what is it about converting files to PDFs that causes any sane person to leap around and flash jazz hands? Anyone working in an office who ever acts like the guy in this picture should be strait-jacketed and checked into Bellevue. Also is it breezy in this office, what's up with the fly-away tie? Is the Central Air on too high or something?

This is the kind of douchebag who says things like "Someone has a case of the Mondays." Which is a dumb phrase to say. Whenever people say that to me, I just stare at them and say "No, I have a case of the Everydays. I have a case of the I Hate This Jobs. You know what'll cure that? A case of the Huge Severance Packages."

Finally, where is he going? It's like he's the Paul Revere of software. "Lo and behold mighty temps I have found a way to make a document into a pseudo-picture. Rejoice for I have saved you minutes upon minutes of time. Now you don't have to respond to e-mails from people saying 'I can't open this file. Can you save this in another file extension?'" Apparently he's following an arrow somewhere. You know where that arrow's leading to? - A dead end job, that's what.

Calm down, Buttonless McNoZipper. Get a grip, sit at your cubicle and browse Craigslist for better jobs like the rest of us.

Argh! Distracted By Internets!!

I'm ashamed to say that I've been doing some final edits on an article that's a little overdue and I was somehow drawn to the Snorgtee's page. Though, I'm starting to see the appeal of ironic hipster Tees. There is something almost moronically funny about a person who can wear a shirt with a contrived saying on it and keep a serious face. It's like the white version of that odd trend where it was cool for black guys to wear pink. It's a statement that says that a person is so beyond judgment that his outerwear doesn't matter. How interesting. I probably won't write a thesis on it, but it's a seed to think about.

Either way, this is a fun way to waste time. Come on, you can't not like this shirt!!

And this one's pretty funny, too...

NOTE: Well aware of the fact that his taste in humor was flagging, Calvin decided to gracefully bow out of this blog and stop procrastinate. Let's hope he doesn't navigate to Wikipedia. Then it's game over.

Superheroes I Like: Ms. Marvel

[NOTES: I wrote a review of Secret Invasion #6 at least a month ago but it was so distressingly negative that I can't post it until I find something of note to say about that comic. Needless to say it's hard. So instead, you're getting a review of Ms. Marvel #31 (admittedly not the best thing I've written in a while).]

Ms. Marvel #31 - When Comics About Women Are Written Well

I'll be honest; I've wavered a lot on the Ms. Marvel series. The whole "Ms. Marvel fights her classic alien nemesis" arc was OK, the Warren Traveller stuff was odd, and the two-part Rogue issues were just not good. I was one of the few who actually liked her Civil War arc, but I understand that watching someone beat up another superhero in front of her kid doesn't sit well for a lot of people. But once she got her own task force (and the offensively pornographic Greg Horn covers started to get tamer), things really picked up for me.

Ms. Marvel is a solid well-done comic featuring a powerful superhero who wants to be the best at what she does and doesn't want to settle for C-List status. With the wrong writer, this premise could lead to whiny stories; but Reed has done consistently well by making sure Ms. Marvel's altruism is at the forefront of her actions. I stuck with the book for so long because it is such a relatable premise. As a struggling writer/comedian, I can really empathize with many of the issues this book raises about what it means to be somebody and get one's act together.

Far too often, female hero leads descend in levels of T&A that are downright embarrassing. But Reed manages to avoid throwing in cheesy cliches and misusing feminist notions. It's a book about a person doing her job - which involves saving people from menacing robots and freaky sorcerers.

Which brings me to Ms. Marvel 31 - arguably one of the best comics I've read this year. If you haven't checked out this book, this is a great point to get on board. Why?

One - because the character's backstory is so extensively and efficiently recapped. Trust me, her origins are more than a bit complicated, but the recap was done so well! Hell, I found out more about Ms. Marvel's past in 22 pages than I ever did on Wikipedia. And there weren't tons of captions and strange shadowy people littering the panels (yes, Wovlerine: Origins, I'm talking about you).

Two - For once, we have a superhero who actually checks in with her parents. Here is a woman who saves the world on a constant basis but doesn't have the time or energy to call mom and say "I'm doing fine. Don't worry about that Fox News segment of me getting hit in the face with a Volkswagon." It's a great way to incorporate a real world issue into a fantasy genre. And the reintroduction of Ms. Marvel feeling out of place with her family because of her mental assault worked very well with the story.

Three - There was no gratuitous violence! It's someone in plain clothes hashing out issues with her mom and trying to say goodbye to her dying father. No cackling villain shows up hurling bombs. No time-travelling conqueror kidnaps anyone to be his mate. Nothing! The story's simple, straight-forward and warm.

There isn't really much more to say about the book, other than it's a solid well-drawn piece of work. Please support this book if you have money to spare (I know the economy's in the toilet, and my own personal finances are perilously close to the red zone, but still you should shell out $2.99 for this)!

Night of 1,000 Pauses

Don't worry about the title; it's an inside joke that so far exclusive that I don't even understand it. If it helps, it has something to do with noise.
...
[NOTE: This was the final part of Multi-Borough Open Mic Tour (which was written about a week ago). I accidentally hit save instead of send (a common problem I seem to have nowadays) so I effed it all up. The point is that I booked a show at Botanica Bar and only 2 real audience members were there. Read this entry with a grain of seasoned salt!]

Multi-Borough Comedy Open Mic Tour: Botanica Bar

Technically this wasn't an open mic, but as there were only two legitimate audience members (and one of them was my ever-lovin' brown-eyed roommate), things kind of devolved into workshop room mode. That being said, the room was actually a lot of fun and I learned a lot about my fellow comedians as well as a lot about why I should never leave my joke book at home and think its a good idea to wing it.

I think I'm done with this tour (plus, I only went to one other borough - and there wasn't even an open mic there). I can honestly say that I do a lot better with real audience and less cynicism.

On a Duncan Sheik high (don't hate), here's some stuff you should check out for next week's Multi-Neighborhood "Booked Show" Tour.

MONDAY OCTOBER 13TH: MURRAY HILL
President Jackson Show @ Pinetree Lodge
326 East 35th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenue (New York, NY)
TIME: 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM
I'm hosting and Joe Dixon's headlining. Who's on it? - Funny people that's who! Check it out!

CSC: YouTube Sensation?

I did this YouTube video a little bit ago with Joe Dixon and Andy Kleiman. I'm Thug #2 from the left in the audience (which means I'm a weekend-day player).

Black People Have The Darndest Names!

Sometimes I Like Mainstream Things...

In the interests of staying positive in the face of adversity and mediocrity, I am putting up a link to a funny South Park episode. Conveniently, the clip also befits our current election: South Park - Douche and Turd.

I think we could all learn something (funny or serious) from that episode...

Plugs N Hugs - Free Comedy/Variety Show @ Tagine Dining Gallery

Are you free October 9th (this Thursday?!!)

Come celebrate autumn with a wonderful blend of comedy and music in a cool Morrocan venue. We have comedians who’ve been featured on MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, and top comedy clubs in the city as well as musicians who’ve played at the top indie venues in New York City. Plus, there’s belly dancing and hookah after the show! Think of the show as Casablanca in Technicolor. Oh and did I mention that everyone who attends gets a free resume?

Hosted by: Calvin S. Cato (Game Show Network, Naked Comedy Show)

Featuring:
Jessica Delfino (London Tour, was recently denounced by the Catholic League...oooh)
Danny Rouhier (Animal Planet's The A-List)
Susannah Perlman (Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad, Last Comic Standing)
Matt Daly (Los Angeles Comedy Festival)
Julia Weldon (Nightingale Lounge house musician)
...and possibly a surprise special guest!

DETAILS:
Tagine Dining Gallery - 537 9th Avenue (just south of West 40th Street)
Cost: FREE
TIME: 8:00 PM
DRINK SPECIALS: Yes! Sangria discounts!

Hope to see you there.

Multi-Borough Comedy Open Mic Tour: Maui Taco?

Yesterday's leg...well I was there and it...was. I did get some helpful advice (which I always appreciate) and I got to hear a comedian who equated not laughing at his jokes to ejaculating on his child's face (hmmm...). I had screwed up the set-ups to two of my jokes though (two jokes I've told onstage without flubbing). Sometimes, going to an open mic is like trying to have a cookout on an airplane runway.

So maybe you'll catch me at Maui Taco's tonight OR maybe I'll just cut the tour off early and collect that paycheck I so desperately need. Or, I could play Super Mario Bros. 3 (I got my Nintendo to work for a day!). In case you're stalking me, Maui Taco's is at 330 Fifth Avenue (couple blocks south of East 34th Street). "Show" starts at 8 PM.

Multi-Borough Comedy Open Mic Tour: Village Lantern

That's right. The first leg was shaky but this tour is gearing up to be...something... Last night, the only major laugh I got was about Girls Gone Wild having a soundtrack ("What's the point to having a soundtrack? No guy is looking at Girls Gone Wild and going 'Wow, who scored that film, Danny Elfman?'"). Stalk me at the Lantern (167 Bleecker Street between Sullivan and Thompson Streets).

If you can't, stalk this show! Sadly, I'm missing this but you should see this if you're free tonight (it's hosted by Matt Nagin):

INTERMISSION, A NEW COMEDY SHOW @ COMIX'S OCHI'S LOUNGE STARTS 2MRW NIGHT!!! AWESOME LINEUP!!! NO COVER (ONE ITEM MIN SUGGESTED). 14th st and 9th Ave. downstairs. (7:30 PM SHARP).

FEATURING:
BOB BELL
MO DIGGS
MURDERFIST
ELIZA SKINNER
MUSICAL INTERMISSIONS BY JOE YOGA
AND MIKE DOBBINS!!!!

HOST: MATT NAGIN!!!!

HOPE YOU CAN JOIN US!!!!

Multi-Borough Comedy Open Mic Tour: McGee's Pub

I'm on a multi-borough Comedy Open Mic Tour again (Greyskull, give me strength...)

First stop: Don't Touch Me There (this one's actually nice, but then again I don't want to jinx myself) at West 55th Street and Broadway in Manhattan. Come stalk me!

Weird Word War

One word that never sounds right spoken aloud is "psychotherapist." For some reason I always hear an implicit pause between the "psycho" and the "therapist." And there's a very important difference between a psychotherapist and a psycho therapist. One will fix my brain; the other will put an ice pick through it.

Bringing and Barking: The Comedian’s Scylla and Charybdis

I’m in my sophomore year of comedy and I’m in a bit of an odd position. For some reason, younger comics are asking me how to get ahead in the game and I in turn am asking seasoned comedians about how to move along. The answers I keep giving and receiving boil down to this. There are two Greek tragedies that 99% of new comedians have to face: bringing and barking.

Barking is the comic’s Charybdis. It involves a comedian standing on a street corner and cat-calling potential patrons, not unlike a prostitute. He now has to spend upwards of 2 hours dealing with hundreds of people walking by him who are alternately annoyed and harried and don’t have the time or energy to listen to you talk up a comedy show that he and a bunch of people they’ve never heard of are a part of. The constant street rejections sucks him into a vortex of self-doubt and rage that is nigh impossible to swim out of. By the time he makes it to the stage, he’s so pissed off that he rarely gets a chance to perform at his peak.

Bringing is the comic’s Scylla. This involves a comedian begging his friends, family, exes, old teachers, co-workers, and classmates from elementary to pay $40 to see him perform. Now this comedian has slightly resentful people in a room with other equally resentful acquaintances of the other comics. He now has to perform in front of a multi-headed attitudinal mass of strangers unwilling to listen to you or entertain your opinions because they were dragged to an expensive club. The comedian then realizes that he has brought in $300 worth of business that he will never see. And the multi-headed monster harps on about how overpriced the show was, how overrated the performers were, and how rude the wait-staff acted.

The major question is “Are these routes worth it?” The short answer is “I don’t know.” Considering the fact that most fledgling comedians end up not getting passed at a club in this way, I would say “No.” Considering the fact that it is a foot in the door provided you talk to the right people, I would say “Yeah, maybe once.” There are small advantages to both.

Barking lets a comic flex his creativity muscles and teaches him how to sell himself in 20 seconds or less. Personal example: I now know I can sing in a high falsetto as well as a deep alto about why a passerby should pay to see me perform. And I can do it to the tune of Beethoven’s No 9. Also, most clubs are fond of good barkers. By barking, a comic can potentially get up 6 times a week in front of a live audience (which is a vast improvement on doing open mics in the city, which may have at best 1 real audience member).

Bringing is a great self-esteem boost if the comic’s material is strong enough and if he can work a room (even one with an embittered crowd). As long as he does well, he will receive praise from his peers and water-cooler bragging rights for a week.

A comic’s mileage may vary with either choice but remember that comedy is an odyssey and like Odysseus, a comedian has to choose what to sacrifice, either his friends or his dignity. I can’t make a preference choice for anyone, but for all the young ladies and gentleman out there, whatever route you take, make sure you don’t lose the whole boat in the struggle to negotiate the two evils.

Two Jokes I Said Verbatim On Stage

I'm feeling a bit insecure these days because I had to do a quick shave for a show and now I have really bad razor buumps. I went on the interwebs to see if there are any home remedies and I come across this article that says that razor bumps are a major problem that affects African-American males. See, I thought that was interesting because I thought a major problem affecting black men was racism, but apparently not.

I dunno, I just don't believe you can call razor bumps a major racial problem. There's no such thing as a "race problem" that can be solved with witch hazel.
-
I'm not a "drug person" at all. My friend keeps pushing me to try acid. I've only had one bad acid trip in my life, but that was because I slipped on some orange juice and fell on my face (geddit? see cuz orange juice has ascorbic acid and...well fuck you guys...)

Funemployment Day 1: Now With More Plugs!

I did a multimedia article (read: article and slideshow) that appeared on the www.inc.com website. Check it out!

7 New Technology Marvels!

In other news, I'm officially on Day 1 of being an unemployee and I've been keeping busy. I did take some time to play a little Megaman X (which kicks @$$)! Really random aside, I used to call @$$ "a and change" as a euphemism for ass. Then again I use a lot of portmanteaus and weird phrases. As of yesterday, I now call my game show host voice "Pat Sa-black." Ironically there's no Vanna White in my act.

Another aside, this is the problem of being a personal blogger and a comedian. I end up strip-mining my life for information, to the point where my memories feel like an exploited territory. No wonder the pro memoir-ists are liars.

Thank You Audience And Fans!!!

Serious thank yous to everyone who came out to support the first Skeleton Crew show! It was a mega-success and I'd like to keep it rolling! Also thanks for the people who actually picked up my resumes. Jeers to the people who used them as drink coasters though! Fie on you, fie!

More Plugs:

President Jackson Show (326 East 35th Street bet. 1st and 2nd Av)
My other baby; the show is going down this Monday! We've got wonderful comics and 2-for-1 drink specials. The summer's almost over, and I know some of you are thirsty!

TIME: 9:00 PM

Skeleton Crew: Tagine Dining Galler (537 9th Avenue souht of West 40th)
The next show is September 4th and the show is biweekly. If you're a comic, musician or poet, please e-mail or contact me. Note: when you e-mail me take the dashes out and put in the @ symbol (it's a spam thing).

c-a-t-o-c-a-l-s-[at]-g-m-a-i-l-.com

TIME: 8:00 PM (NOTE: It's in the basement)

Old Jobs, New Tics

Now that the end of my magazine stint is on the horizon, I've been thinking back on the terrible temp jobs I've had. I remember working at this one place for 2 weeks. The boss would have me sit at a really old busted-up computer and type printouts into a computer (which makes no sense, I mean if you're printing it out, doesn't that mean the files are in the system already???!). The situation wasn't helped by the fact that 3/4 of the office was made up of temps and they all HATED the place! Seriously, one woman had a running list of ways to murder the boss that she'd minimize whenever he approached. It was dysfunctional.

At one point, I came in, sat down, and waited for the boss to give me something. And of course, he waited until 5:00 PM to give me a huge stack of loose papers to alphabetize. The process took 3 hours of my life I can never get back, and when I was done, he gave me a $5 Starbucks card. A $5 Starbucks is your way of saying "Thank you?!!!??!" Have you been to Starbucks?! What the hell am I going to get for $5? A coffee bean and three ice chips? I kept wondering what he would give as a Christmas present. "As a bonus, here's a $2 gas card. It's just enough for you to drive around the gas station. Also, here's a $10 airline ticket coupon."

Jokes From A Notebook I Filled 6 Months Ago...

I hate it when I get too drunk at a party, because then I wake up the next morning with a Hangover Dilemma. That's the problem where you have to crawl to the bathroom and figure out how you're going to pee and puke in the toilet at the same time.
-
I once did temp work at a place where my co-workers were having an argument about the best way to beat their kids. One co-worker said she liked using a newspaper because that doesn't leave a mark. She then asked me about how I'd beat my kids. I said "I don't know; the only time my my mom ever beat me was at Scrabble." To this day, I can't look at seven-letter words the same way.
-
My friend posed a hypothetical question to me: "If you were a crackhead, would you rather suck dick for crack or have anal sex for crack?" Isn't that a stupid question? I mean, if I were a crackhead, I would rather have crack. I don't think I'd really be making a value judgment on what I'd do for a substance I'm addicted to.
-
In the news, there was a story about a guy who was arrested for raping an innocent woman. In order to take suspicion off of himself, the guy decides to murder the woman. How did he make that leap in logic?! That would be like me cheating on my taxes and then, as soon as I get audited, throwing off suspicion by robbing Fort Knox.

The H Word

I’ve been an open-mic/free show/alt venue/barking veteran for two years and this just dawned on me today: I am a bona fide Class A hater. Whenever I leave a comedy venue, I take the Hateration Express to my apartment in Hatelem, go to my refridgerhater, microwave some hater tots, sip on some Hatessy and start hating. Then when my electrolytes are out of balance, I get a tall glass of Haterade and continue hating. Then when I think I’m done, I crack open my hatesaurus so I can find new words to use for my hate-tirade. And right before I pass out from all the haterology, I say a prayer to Hatey McHaterson, god of all hate. I. Hate. Too. Much.

When I first started, I thought comedy was about love. I had a whole Rhoda meets Cheers fantasy where I’d meet some nice people in hip threads and throw my hat in the air a lot and have wacky hijinks involving jukeboxes and saving bars from closing down. And I was warned that comedy would be hard. I heard people say “Comedy is lonely and bitter and difficult. You will see things that will piss you off. It’s not a brotherhood [sisterhood? bristerhood?]” I remember hearing comedians talk smack and I'd go, "WTF? How can you be such a hater?" THeir response: "You'll see."

I do now; I too have become that guy. If someone gets a 5 second talking head spot on VH1, it’s “Who’s dick did he suck?” If someone gets a free club spot: “If she wasn’t friends with the producer, she wouldn’t have got that spot either.” If someone gets a small-venue spot that pays $50: “I bet the owner only auditioned 3 people. If I were there, I would have snatched that spot.”

The reason I’m having a crisis is because I’m afraid of becoming a Hypocrisy Hater. These are the haters who you see talking so much shit about a comic that they need a breath mint after they’re done spewing. But when the “hated” comes into view, the tune changes. Ex: “Who the hell is this asshole? How the hell did he get a spot? I can’t believe people think his shit is funny. I bet a retarded monkey wrote his jokes.” [Hated walks in] “Oh my God! Hi, how are you? It’s been sooo long. I saw your spot on MTV. How was that? Are you still in touch with the producers? Are you doing any shows I can be a part of?” [Cue sucking and slurping noises].

I was talking to my non-comic friend about this and he was the one who pointed out my change in character. I became that aggressive spot-chaser who doesn’t slow down to appreciate what he has and what he can do with what he has. I became that person who has to spit barbs to stay on top. And that’s not me. Rather, that shouldn’t be me. Comedy…hell entertainment in general shouldn’t do that to me.

I started listening to myself when my hater-herpes is flaring and I realized: How is this helping me? How is this healthy? I spend more time hating on people than I do working on my own act. I cough up all this venom and yet all it does is poison me. Perhaps the questions I should ask are “How did he/she hear about these spots? Did you get it through an agent? Do you have any advice for someone who’s un-agented?”

So, this is me making a conscious effort to purge myself of the bile and start being positive. If I have nothing nice to say, I won’t say anything at all... Okay that’s a bit much. How about this: I promise I won’t say anything about anyone’s mama. What? – I can’t just quit cold turkey!

[PS: Watch me renege on this idea in 3 months. But I swear to you, concerted effort!]

One More Thing...

I will doing Pete's Candy Store again on September 8, hosted by the famous and fantabulous Jen Dziura. She is up there as one of the nicest comedians to work with, and a pleasure to see.

Check out this blog poster:



Please check out Jen's site to find out about where she is and what she's doing. I know there is a sidebar link already (look at me using bloganese), but do check it out. And also check out Thu Tran, graphic deisgner extraordinaire!

P.Jackson Show and NEW NEW FREE SHOW!!!!!

I don't have an organizer...I got a free one that was a school year organizer and not a real year one (i.e. January to December), so I got a little screwed there. I have another organizer in my house, but ironically I lost it. (ASIDE: This is actually true, and not a joke. And yes I am aware that as a joke, that two-liner is one of the oldest around. In fact I own an Archie Double Digest which has that joke in it. (ASIDE 2: Whatever happened to Archie Comics? I feel like I rarely see them anymore. Bring that back to the waiting aisles at the supermarket. I miss Archie and Reggie and Betty and Veronica and Moose and the token black guy who seemed to be good at every single sport...what was his name?)

Anyway, here's some shows I'm doing. I'm getting the word out since I sent in my stuff a little too late and I probably won't get listed. I did Facebook 2 bajillion people (which means 5 people will show up) but I'm hoping to make it a show of 15. The important show is next Thursday! Please please come!

MONDAY: President Jackson Show
326 East 35 Street (between 1st and 2nd Avenue)
9:00 - 10:00 PM
This is FREE and it's Joe Dixon's baby! I'm not the father though (I went on Maury and I'm 50,000% sure). I'm hosting and Nasry Malak (Comix), Nick Cobb, Shane Webb (Boston Comedy), and Pat Lamb are on it. Oh and there's 2-for-1s.

THURSDAY: Tagine Dining - 537 9th Avenue (right off West 40th Street)

The Skeleton Crew:
Date: August 21st (Thursday)
Time: 8:00 PM - 9:30 PM
Cost: Free

Calvin Cato’s out of a day job but at least he’s got friends! Come watch him host an eclectic mix of stand-up comedy and music where he'll be giving out stuff he can’t pawn. Donations are accepted and all proceeds will go towards the Interview Suit Tailoring Fund. Oh, and did we mention that everyone who attends will get a free resume? Come see the Skeleton Crew: the only show that doubles as a job interview.

Esteemed guests include:

Scout Durwood (MTV's A Shot At Love)
Chris Griggs (NY Underground Comedy Festival, The PIT)
Boris Khaykin (UCB, Sirius Radio)
Del Harrison (BET, Hot 97, Caroline's)
Keith Alberstadt (Last Comic Standing, CMT, Sirius Radio, Time Out's Joke of the Week)
...and surprise special guests

For serious, come to both. They're FREE!

Oh...So...Awkward

One of my most favorite English phrases is “Don’t be That Guy.” And whenever I say it, I usually get asked “Who?” Well, That Guy (or alternatively That Girl or That Chick) is the lone person who manages to commit the biggest faux pas at any event or gathering.

Exempli gratia: you are at a house party and everything is winding out. People are slowing trickling out, people are relaxing on couches. Then, the host’s ex-girlfriend shows up, yelling and crying. She awkwardly wambles over to the stereo and knocks over some irreplaceable vase. Everyone groans in disgust, averts their eyes, and gets up to look for their stuff so they can leave. The ex-girlfriend is “That Chick.”

Or...there’s a guy at your favorite concert standing in front of you wearing the band T-shirt with a Mohawk so tall you can’t see past it. He’s yelling along with the band (though he thinks he’s singing in key) and now you can’t see or hear the band. This asshole would be That Guy.

Or you’re watching The Dark Knight Returns. And at that critical battle between Batman and the Joker, some woman’s cell phone goes off. Even though she shuts it off and yells “I’m so sorry!” she is totally, utterly, completely “That Girl.”

Sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a large gathering. There are times when even though I’m by myself, I know I’m That Guy. I’ve eaten a day-old sandwich wrapped in tinfoil sitting on my desk. That is something that That Guy would do. And moreover, me admitting to it my blog really REALLY makes me That Guy.

The universal thing to keep in mind is that That Guy/Chick is the one person you would NEVER want to be. Ever. Because That Guy is an Awkward Bomb. And no one wants to catch embarrassment; that stuff is worse than herpes. And you can’t treat awkward with a cream.

I hope this moment has been more informative than Urban Dictionary (which has some of the strangest and obscure terms I’ve ever seen...really?...but anyway). Remember kids: be safe, be cool, and don’t be That Guy. The More You Know!

Post 100! - Anti-Climax

Okay, I can't be around leftovers when I'm drunk. Seriously day old Chinese food is the new crack. I ate 3 chicken wings and a Styrofoam full of fried rice in 8 minutes flat. I'm surprised I'm not comatose. Or my blood hasn't become pure MSG.

Book Found + Sinister Dexterity

Rejoice: The joke book has been found!!! Thanks to Josh from the Fine Anddandy Showcase (the show goes on the last Wednesday of every month and is awesome!). It's a mix of stand-up, sketch, music, and short movies.

Which leads to my next segue: I was in Josh and Tim Montoya's short film Sinister Dexterity. A piece of my routine is in there so you should check it out! The short stars: Tim Montoya, Dan Fontaine, Sue Funke, and more... Below is part one and part two. And when I learn how to embed videos, I will do so (I really have to step up my HTML...son). Werd!

Sinister Dexterity Part One

Sinister Dexterity Part Two

No More Hiatus

I am officially back to doing comedy again (I'm not really ready yet but during my "hiatus" I did 4 shows and shot 2 comedy web videos so it really ended up being the lousiest break in history). I did write some new material and re-formulated my voice (err...I don't even know what that means but the pros say it).

Anyway here's a tentative calendar of places you can see me perform. You can also check my Myspace calendar, as it will be soon updated (yay for fans...fan??!).

FRIDAY, SATURDAY: LOL Comedy Club 8 PM, 10 PM, 12 AM (August 1, 2)
7th Avenue bet. West 50th and 51st Street
I'm doing 8 - 10 minutes o' time. The place just opened up and I'm not sure what the cost but it is really cheap! The 8 PM may be free if you buy 2 [cheap] drinks. Take advantage of it! You'll see me in a club and you can pay reasonable club prices.

MONDAY: Pinetree Lodge 9 PM (August 4)
326 East 35th Street (between 1st and 2nd Avenue)
I'm back to hosting again! And this show is free. And there are 2-for-1 drink specials.

Haydie P's Wake Up Call Addendum

Addendum: You'll note I did not include a link to Haydie P's album. That's because I'm not going to; I will not actively support people viewing this song. Ever. I will link to Youtube and have you search for it yourself.

Hayden Panettiere's Album: Wake Up Call or Terrible Snooze Alarm?

I recently had the "pleasure" of watching Hayden Panettiere's newest single/music video "Wake Up Call." Quite frankly, it's just bad. And not bad in a "this-is-a-horrible-train-wreck" bad. It's 2000s bad - where there's just too much flash, generic-ness and culture co-opting going on.

The video: We start with a classic face montage/slow walk that seems to be all in the rage in female pop videos. Then she's holding a mic and mouthing...er...singing about some boy she's pissed off at. He's hitting on chicks and she wants him to stop. Her big plan is to...air grind around on a dance floor in tight black outfits. Oh and flirt with him while dressed as other girls.

And then, there is the gangster scene. Where Haydie P [yes I'm calling her that, she's gangsta now!] dons the tightest hoodie known to (wo)man and psuedo-raps while flailing her arms, hardcore style (TM).

She leaves the club with her friends when she "confirms" his eye-wandering, in a different jacket than the one she had on (go continuity!).

First problem: The gangster scene. Listen: Haydie P IS NOT GANGSTA! At all! Let that chick go to the South Bronx and she'll be calling for some heroes. Plus, what's with the arm flailing? It's like she's doing a flamingo mating dance. Ugh!

Second problem: The song theme. So her boyfriend may be cheating on her and her solution is to...consider cheating on him and then pretend to be other girls and hit on him? Because, that's totally sane. Oh yeah that's a totally rational plan. "Maybe he's cheating, what do I do? Should I directly ask him? Or should I kiss some random guy and uber-stalk my boyfriend in a disguise and a mini-skirt?" This is the kind of advice I'd expect from Sweet Valley High books or Miss Cleo but not from an alleged mature adult.

Third problem: Lousy writing! What really makes my soul cry is the fact that she's not even rhyming words well. For Pete's sake, she rhymes "cheat" and "me." She rhymes call and comfortable (cutesily pronounced "comf-ter-BALL")! Good Lord, she rhymes through and roof! That's as grating as Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. What are you doing Haydie P, free verse?! Because, I don't think you've learned enough of the basics to break the mold. Honestly, not even bothering to rhyme on a shitty reggae beat is the same as crusty nails on a chalkboard.

Fourth problem: The borderline pedophilic T & A. I saw at least 30 seconds of pure butt-shaking. Does this really add to the song or have any context? Going back to the alleged adult statement, this girl is 18. And she has nothing better to do than shake around and stare poutily into a camera?? Are we supposed to admire or lust after her? It's a sick 2000s dichotomy created between the artist and the audience. I'm only 24 but I feel like a 40 year old suffering from a sex drought looking at this video. It's like "To Catch A Predator" creepy.

I'm ashamed to say I added 4 viewer hits on YouTube trying to understand what the hell is going on in this video. I'm more ashamed to say that I spent 30 minutes writing about this. But if this post helps at least one person, my ears won't have dulled in vain.

Haydie P, I like you in Heroes. Please stick to acting and being a fanboy's fantasy. Don't venture into badland scarcely-a-triple-threat territory. It's for your own good.

In Shameless Advertising News...

Here's a link to all the articles I wrote for the Wesleyan Argus. Quite frankly, I'm prouder of the earlier stuff (before I graduated and got all maudlin and pathetic), but there are some choice ones in there.

Bounce around and read the stuff I got there if you have a chance!

Hiatus + Bad Reads = X

As some of you may know, I took a hiatus from comedy (for about a week). I have since broken that fast by doing a show on Tuesday and a web video on Monday. The show on Tuesday...well it wasn't bad. I could say I did my job and I got to try out some newer stuff. But I still blanked on some of the things I want to do. Best line: "Hello my name is Calvin. I eat balls for a living" (thanks Richie!).

There were some really fantastic people there. Del was the (always) hilarious hostess and there were some really good sets there by Liz Miele, Ken Perlstein, Todd Lynn, Dan Hirshon and Giulia Rozzi. See these people if you get a chance! I may be back up to running a show again and I've got some stuff in the works. In the meantime please go check out President Jackson show! (326 East 35th Street between 1st and 2nd Ave). Every Monday (9 PM – 10 PM)
---
In other news, I know I owe somebody another review of Marvel's "Secret Invasion" after that test, but I'm just too tired. The sad part is that I WANT to like the storyline sooo bad, but I just can't give a shit about the bad pacing anymore. I read Secret Invasion #4 a couple of days ago and I had so many problems with it, I wanted to set fire to my entire collection, which isn't much...hell it consists of a shitload of bad Wolverine comics and some of Fabian Nicieza's Gambit (which you should read if you ever find it...it was actually one of the better mainstream books to come out in the 1990s).

In theory we're at the halfway mark of the damn story, and...nothing has happened. Seriously, I’ve read 4 main issues and at least 8 tangential issues and like an hour has passed in story time. And all the tie-in back-stories are starting to suck the life out of the whole storyline and they make less than zero sense (Mighty Avengers #16?? New Avengers #42??! How can you even reconcile these issues with what readers have read before??!?!?!). I'll try to get enthused again but it's so clear that the writer doesn't give a shit about characters or continuity or basic logic and motivation, only the plot and his agenda. It's like watching a movie where characters keep pulling ridiculous "Shhhh, it just needs to be this way" excuses to do retarded things for the sake of the story. And in general, if you have 22 pages to tell a story and 10 of those pages are devoted to ugly, muted fight scenes, you aren’t doing your job.

Ugh, I am so past done with Brian Michael Bendis and his nonsense and his penchant for "big explosions" and "mysterious people" who never seem to DO ANYTHING. And what’s grating is watching him contradict himself in HIS OWN STORIES. I mean, he does the plotting and his new stuff is contradicting stuff that HE HIMSELF WROTE like 6 months ago.

That being said I'll probably still write the reviews. And then buy the rest of the series. And then bitch about wasting $60 that could have went to student loans. And then finally write that test comic book script I was planning to write two years ago.

Nothin' But The Rent

In current events news, congressman Charles Rangel (chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee) was discovered to have four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem. In fact he was using one as an office. Finally, he was told that he had to give up the office space apartment.

Was I the only person in New York City who hit CTRL+F to find out the exact address and fill out an application to live there? If I can get the place at that rent-stabilized price, I'll happily pay a broker's fee or give money to Rangel's campaign.

Harsh!

For my birthday, my mom told me I have no real career goals and then said she filled out an application for me to get food stamps and is mailing the document for me to sign - "for my own good".

She may as well have attached a card that says. "Sweetie, I love you, but you have no future, so here's some government cheese."

Seriously??!! - Sometimes Culture is Effed Up

So...Girls Gone Wild has a soundtrack??!

Ummmmmmmmmm...kay. Who's buying this? Do the people buying it realize that it's a CD?!?! Meaning that you can't SEE anything? Are the songs overdubbed by moans? Does the CD come with a fleshlight and lube? Will the music give ou an ear infection? Why does the CD cover say Girls Gone Wild Music Uncensored? Doees the non-editing of curse words make it sexier? I have so many rhetorical questions!

As a side note, people who bought the CD also bought "The Essential O'Jays." Which totally seems like someone bought the damn thing and then tried to play cover-up. Or that a total perv has the same music sensibilities as my grandfather. Either way, gross!

Wesleyan Alumni Magazine

This is more job- and future-related than my usual posts. But thanks to a really wonderful editor (seriously she's a super-sweet lady who understands that when life gets pukey, grab a bucket and keep going), I am back to writing the Wesleyan Alumni Magazine's class notes (it's basically a collection of small blurbs about what everyone's been up to and what crazy fun times people are having). If there are any Wesleyan alums who read this blog, please get in contact with me and let me know what you're up to. Find me on Facebook and drop a comment!

And now to fulfill the comedy portion of this entry, here is the letter I sent out (I changed the class year to keep my age mysterious...wooooooooo):

Dear Class of X

I am in charge of writing about the class of 2006 for the Wesleyan Alumni Magazine and I need some notes and quotes from you all concerning what you are doing with your lives. Reply and say ANYTHING (even if it's "I don't have a job, please leave me alone.") Or you can give me an outline of what you want me to say and I will word it in a sophisticated manner.

Here are examples of things you can e-mail me:
ex. 1: I have no job. Make this fact sound funny.
ex. 2: I am auditioning for Girls Gone Wild but please put down it's an independent film.
ex. 3: I am researching tampons--please make this sound more medical.
ex. 4: I have just set up a non-profit organization that benefits elephants in Antarctica (I highly doubt you’ve done this…but if you have, that would be awesome and worth noting)

Remember this is a space you can use to make shout-outs, so if you are an aspiring FILL-IN-THE-BLANK and you want to promote something, here is your chance.

Please respond and get back to me by Tuesday July 15th, or you’ll be reading 800 words about my life, and no one needs to read about that…

Thank you and best of luck with everything,

Calvin S. Cato

I Want You To Want Me

Okay, I'm new at this blogging stuff and frankly I'm surprised I even have that many postings. But what's up with the spam comments? Does that mean I'm actually popular or is it just a matter of seniority - in the same way, that all the junk mail starts pouring in 3 months after you start using credit cards?

Fast Company: What Would Bill Gates Do?

It's shameless, I know, but I was mentioned in an article about Bill Gates on Fast Company. If you're planning on becoming an entrepreneur, or if you like business and are a little tech savvy, then you should check the site and peruse the magazine if you see it on the racks. Also, you should check out Inc. Magazine too.

Here is the article: WWBGD

Have a happy Fourth of July!

Recipes for the Anorexic Poor

Recipes for the Anorexic Poor #1:

STRAWBERRY SHORT-OF-CAKE:
Take one cup of vanilla pudding, crush a strawberry and a tomato in it and eat. No crust, no carbs, no calories. Serve with lots of alcohol. (Because that's safe, and it'll taste real good)

Show Line-Up For This Week

Turn down the sun and turn up the funny. It’s my birthday on Tuesday and this is my birthday comedy week. Come out and support by laughing, because I said so in a pleasing baritone.

MONDAY, June 16, 2008 – 9:00 PM
President Jackson Show (with Joe Dixon)
326 East 35th Street
Featuring Trafton Crandall and Margie Kment. Introducing Jason (Horatio) Lewis!

TUESDAY, June 17th 2008 – 9:00 PM (BIRTHDAY!!!)
Five Spot (Hosted by Dave Lester)
Myrtle Avenue & Washington Ave (in Brooklyn, take the G Train to Clinton-Washington Avenue and then walk north on Washington Ave)

THURSDAY, June 19, 2008 – 7:30 PM
Family Hour @ Ochi’s Lounge (Hosted by Sara Benincasa)
353 West 14th St. just east of 9th Ave.
New York, NY
Cost: 1 bar/menu item
FREE COOKIES!

Featuring: Matt Goldich, Robin Gelfenbien, Cousin-in-Residence Kambri Crews, Joe Powers, Sheridan Botros, Leslie Goshko, Maysoon Zayid

SATURDAY, June 21, 2008
Birthday party over…somewhere…I’ll get back to ya on that one.

MONDAY, June 23, 2008 – 9:00 PM
President Jackson Show Super-Special
We’re doing a feature-length show as epic as 300. Okay maybe not that epic. Featuring Matt Daly, Blanca Dominguez, Nasry Malak, and Dave Rosner.


Hope to see y'all!

Gender And The City

New York City has the pickiest dating scene in the country. Only in New York can a drag queen dump his bisexual transgendered girlfriend because she’s not man enough for him.

So I Got Lost Watching This Season Finale ...

In the interest of beating out tens of thousands of avid bloggers, I am writing a review on the season 4 finale of Lost. Take that, TiVoers! Please note I know less than nothing about the show, everything I know about the plot I got from Wikipedia. Ooh, a hyperlink! Now on with the review.

First off, tonight's finale was in three parts! Which means there was definitely a point were I kind of tuned out and started playing Free Cell. But the plot flowed seamlessly and the story was pretty well-told. To be fair, there were points where the "tension" felt so artificial - see the casket MacGuffin (why did it take 7 minutes to resolve that scene?) - but long-time viewers will be rewarded to find that the writers address at least 1/4 of mystery.

The show definitely loses points on having weird machinery which does random shit. I mean seriously, who uses a "liquid nitrogen tank" to cool down a bomb? Um, temperature bombs? - yeah, not so realistic. And the fact that the island can moved by an ice steering wheel??? Granted, I don't know that much about the show, but I definitely can't be expected to dismiss major logic flaws. There were points where the plot got so paint by numbers. Still, it was a damn good paint job.

Overall, I was entertained. There were kick-ass fight scenes and big explosions and moments that actually sucker-punched me. And Sun's storyline was actually worth following (okay, I had watched a couple episodes of Lost here or there, I had found Sun so boring that I'd have to stop and watch Family Guy reruns, so seeing what happens to her both in the present and the future made me really want to find out who she is and what her plan is). And the finale's conclusion contains an impressive revelation that can really spin-off into some interesting stories. It looks like the writers actually have a long-term plan. I may try to actively catch old episodes of this show.

Well, that probably means nothing and I may have ruined some shit for people, but really, if you were a borderline Lost fan, you'd get a lot out of this storyline. So what do I rate this? I didn't realize I needed a rating scale. 5 out of 7 Cs.

Maybe another stream-of-consciousness review soon...

Sometimes, Facebook Can Brighten My Day

I'm not a big fan of Facebook anymore. I'm sick of all the applications and add-ons. No I don't want to be a pirate or a ninja or a vampire ninja who feeds on zombie pirates and plays Scrabble. I don't want to poke you, punch you, pressure point you.

But, I did find one of the funnier and most quintessential Facebook groups to join. F.I.N.A.L.S. - Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit. Story of my college...story of my college...

[NOTE: Yes, I plan on writing a longer (and theoretically more humorous) essay on Facebook, but that is tabled for another time]

APOLLO??!

So, I just finished watching SNL, and I'm waiting for the cheesy start-up music of Apollo to begin so I can change the channel, only to find that there was no music. "It's Showtime At The Apollo" is officially gone. And in its place is some talking head show about the Tribeca Film Festival. I am in shock. I can't believe this.

Now, I kind of want to start a campaign to get it back. Sure the hosting was pretty lousy and some of the Amateur Acts - yeesh, you'd think these guys would have actually listened to their own act once or twice before they decided to embarrass themselves on stage. Too harsh? - whatever. But there were some good break dancers and some nice musical acts. And yeah, it was a show with black people in it. Even if I didn't watch it, I like the idea of it being on the air.

I miss seeing black people on television. So many of the shows on in the past couple of years are tired or insulting poor portrayals of black people. And I will sell my kidneys before I sit through an episode of Tyler Perry's sitcom or Flavor Flav's new show. Television is full of reality bullshit with vapid orange people spending 2 minutes staring blankly into the camera with their mouths slightly open. It's pathetic.

I don't know man. They should bring Apollo back on the air. Yeah, I'm starting a petition. Bring Apollo back to NBC! Bring in better acts. Let me host the thing. Ha, just kidding, or am I? But seriously, we need to bring it back. Blog if you love Apollo. Dude, this Tribeca show is bullshit. I'm going to Channel 11.

What?! Chapelle Show airs on the CW??!! Okay, I, uh, wow. I don't even know what the hell is going on with Standards and Practices anymore.

Yes I Can Act In Online Videos!

Sometimes, people ask me if I do any acting. Here's your chance to find out in this week's edition of Honkies I Tolerate:

Funny Or Die: What's Up With Canadians?

Thanks to Todd Montesi!

EDIT: In case you didn't know, I'm the only guy in the short with a suit on. I play a black field reporter and believe me, that's all you need to know.

Picaresque: A Blog In Vignettes

I've lived in New York City for too long. While I was on the subway, a lady fell on the floor and screamed "Ow my leg!" And instead of asking "Are you okay?" I stared at her and thought "She'd better not pull this 'I'm injured' shit to cause a train delay. I have to get home and watch a repeat of The Riches on FX tonight."

...

My standards for what I deem a "good comedy performance" have plummeted. At first I thought I did a great set if the audience laughed. Then it became, I've done a good show if 50% of the audience laughed. Now it's become, I've done a good set if 50% of the audience understands English. Apparently, you don't need to laugh now to make me happy. You just have to look at me and nod. I need to do comedy in front of puppies.

...

I took an exercise dump today. It was one of those dumps where even your face muscles get in on the action. I think I lost 2 pounds expelling the log and another 3 from sweat and determination.

Anatomy Of A Bad Set

NOTE: Jokes have been omitted or edited to protect the guilty.

AT THE CLUB........

CC THOUGHTS: Okay the last was really funny. I just have to be as funny as him. Not to worry. I've got my list memorized and everything and this is going to be AWESOME!!!!!11111one

HOST: And now for the next guy coming to the stage! He's played clubs and colleges all over New York City. He's the wonderful and talented CC!!!

AUDIENCE HALF-CLAPS, HALF-GLANCES DOWN AT THEIR WATCHES

CC THOUGHTS: Alright, it's a cold crowd, but that's okay!

CC: How's everyone doing tonight?! Don't worry, we have 18 other comics coming up after me...

AUDIENCE: 6 laughs

CC THOUGHTS: Okay, not getting a positive vibe but I'll bring the love!

CC: [OPENER 1]

AUDIENCE: 5 disparate laughs

CC THOUGHTS: Okay it's just 3 1/2 more minutes

CC: Alright that's cool. I'll wow you with this one. [JOKE 2 - Filler]

AUDIENCE: Two chuckles, one cough

CC: Well I'm glad I didn't quit my day job, right?

LONE HECKLER: We already heard day job jokes!

CC: Well then what do you to hear? That my life is happy? Because I can't say that a high point is staring into a crowd of 20 disinterested white people. I feel like I'm on an auction block here.

AUDIENCE: Dead silence.

CC THOUGHTS: Oh boy, that set race relations back. MLK would be proud.

CC: Whew! I guess that should have been saved for therapy, right?

AUDIENCE: Two people cross their arms and shake their heads.

CC: Okay, well, uh, [JOKE 3].

AUDIENCE: Silence.

[WARNING LIGHT SHINES]

CC THOUGHTS: Okay, well it's almost over. I still have my drink at the table. I can just down it and leave. Oh right, I got to think of a closing joke. Let's see, joke, joke, joke, joke. Alright here's a good, nah too racist. Or maybe, no too neighborhood specific. Oh shit I've bene rambling about Egg McMuffins for 40 seconds, do something, get off the stage. Abort! Just abort!

CC: Well, this has been...us staring at each other for 5 minutes. Thank you

AUDIENCE: [Begrudging claps]

HOST: Let's hear it again for CC. [Silence]. Alright...

LATER ON IN THE EVENING.........

AUDIENCE's FAVORITE COMIC (TM): Hey good job.

CC: Well thanks, I think you did a much better job.

AFC (TM): Well, it's a crowd thing.

FAN: (To AFC) Oh my God! You were so wonderful. My friends and I were dying! Where do you perform? I can't wait to see you again. (turns to CC) Oh hey. (back to AFC) So anyway, oh my God, you were totally awesome! What's your phone number? Do you have a MySpace?! Let's be i-pals.

CC: I have to go. I'll see you around.

CONCLUSION: Go home and ponder ways to kill yourself which won't leave you disfigured and allow you to have an open casket funeral.

Sometimes, People Need Too Much Attention

So apparently, at Yale, this art student Aliza Shvarts decided for her senior project that it would be a great idea to get herself pregnant multiple times in the span of 9 months, abort her babies, film the process and save the bloody sheets - and call that art. Read more here:

http://jezebel.com/380897/yale-senior-undergoes-multiple-self+induced-miscarriages-in-the-name-of-art

...Except, now it's apparently a hoax. Again, lea aqui!

http://gawker.com/381384/abortion-performance-art-actually-media-exploitatio

I have said it multiple times, but I will say it again: This is the exact reason why minorities hate white people. First of all, if you go to the first link, take a look at what this chick looks like. A hipster mess - leopard skirt, boots, tights...what the hell is she doing - going on safari in Connecticut? Oooh and she's wearing a hoodie, because that shows how much she hates being conventional. Yes, she chose substance over style. Actually she chose substance over personality.

Look little girl, why don't you get a real job, stop sponging off mommy and daddy, and stop giving handjobs to random frat guys so you can feel like you're worth something? Filming an abortion to make a statement about art and the human body is ...well retarded. And you give pro-lifers more ammunition so they can continue to make wrong-headed arguments like "See, women can't be trusted to make their own decisions. Having the right to abortion leads to women making it into art or a spa day."

And if it's a hoax, that makes it 2,000,000 times worse. Is her art that shitty that she need a desperates cry for attention like this? I bet she just smokes a lot of pot in her room and uses her sketchbook as a surface for her to cut her cocaine on as she sits around watching VH1 and thinking "God I'm so fucking smart and privileged, I don't even have to be responsible!"

Puh-leeze, I can see her future. She'll move to New York and live in a loft with three like-minded faux-artist types. Maybe she'll work at a bar twice a week but she won't hold down a job for longer than a month and she'll constantly ask her parents to put money in her account and buy groceries from Costco for her. After 4 years of living in abject poverty, she'll listen to her parents, go to law school, get married, move to Westchester and have 3 kids. In the end she'll talk about the abortion as "that silly project" and use it as an excuse to say she was a "wild child." When in reality, she's a completely unoriginal, unlikeable, sellout poser with a bad haircut.

Conclusion: this girl is pathetic. I've already wasted too much blog space hating her.

Personal Goal

If you were to ask me what I think is the best type of performance, I can honestly tell you it is a one-person show. It is such an amazing memoir format. I think I'd like to do that, just sit down and tell a thirty-minute story of my life. Maybe I can call it "Job Interview." It'll reflect the quarter-life crisis situation well. I want to be able tell a story in a minimalist and serious fashion. Maybe, at the end of the day, I don't want to strictly tell jokes. I want to tell jokes in anecdotes. For me, comedy is about learning how to tell a really funny story. If I am at the point where I can confidently do that, I will feel like I have succeeded at comedy and I can quit there.

We'll see...

And Now For Something Not-So-Completely Different

I haven't really been using this blog to the best of my ability. I've spent a lot of time chilling on the negative side of the coin and now it's time for me to turn stuff around. And, moreover, I'm going to start a long-term project, soemthing Im actually interested in.

I've made it no secret that I want to write for Marvel Comics (thoguh I'd totally go to DC Comics if they eve rgave me a chance). Howver, my secret goal is to be a Talking Head on "Best Week Ever" or "The Soup" or "E!: Just Another Infotainment Show." So I'm adding a new blog segment where I discuss/review comics.

The title: "Best Ink Ever" (clever, right? Right? Bazing!)

See, the premise is that once a week I'm going to go to a store, read a couple of comics, then go home and write about it (okay, it's not a complicated procedure, but this isn't a science project, so whateva...) Tune in for this week's edition. It'll be...well something.

PS: I got a spam comment. Aww, I feel all marginally internet popular and sheeit. I may ride the gravy train to stardom the likes of Tay Zonday and Sneezing Panda (so cute!).

The Color Barrier

It's been a month between posts and I haven’t been doing a lot of comedy. I’m at that point in my life where I’m just tired and disillusioned. It’s my not-so-metaphorical fall from grace. And it’s not like I can’t write anymore as much as it is that I don’t want to write anymore.

Here’s a tangent: I’m sick of “comedians.” I’m sick of “the comedy scene”: this racist institution that’s set up so that under-endowed white guys who used to get spit on in high school can feel better by picking on minorities and overusing the word “cunt” and dropping N-bombs like there’s no tomorrow. I’m tired of having to work 2 jobs, 6 days a week so I can get to an open mic and be 27th on a list of scruffy, dirty, asshole mouth-breathers who can’t even string together a decent punchline, make lousy in-jokes with their friends and leave without supporting the show.

Obviously this is based on a recent incident. I went to a mic where this shit happened. As usual it was a parade of dumb white guys (DWGs) with retarded sexual conquest jokes. Which I half-slept through. Of course most of the DWGs have a show (probably in the back of chicken shack, but I digress) and they all leave. I do my set in front of 5 people – whatever. And the next DWG to come feels the need to include me, since I’m the only black guy in the room, by referring to “black people cigarettes” as N*****-Ports. After which, I walked out. And the worst part, as I left, these comics have no idea of why I’m offended.

So why am I so offended? It’s because I hear this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to an open mic. Every time I walk into the cesspool of shit and silence that is a comedy open mic, I am instantly reminded of the fact that I’m black. Because most of these comedians suck, they look for a point of difference and far too often, that becomes, “Oh a black guy! He must be from Kenya. Stop stealing, black guy. Actually you don’t look all that black. Are you Cosby black? Ha ha ha.” And naturally, white comics think I love it. Because clearly since I’m a comedian and a New Yorker who works in corporate America, I’ve never heard a terrible racist joke before.

DWGs, how would you feel if you went into work everyday and got slapped in the face, and then was told that this is part of what helps you grow as a person? Actually some of you sick fucks might get off on it, but I don’t.

I’m sick of it. I’ve been called a “jungle bunny” and “Jamal” on-stage and it’s not funny. I’ve heard horrendous jokes punctuated by the use of an n- word and my jaw drops. So I’m just walking out on bullshit mics now. It’s not worth it anymore.

Onomatopoeia As Representation...

This piece is entitled

Onomatopoeia As Representation Of The Frustrating Limitations Of Early Adulthood Employment Opportunities And The Depressing Nature Of Menial Entry-Level Duties:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

Site Comic Book Fans Should Check Out

I was going to write a super-pessimistic post about how life sucks and comedy sucks, but instead I'm entering positive-attitude land.

If you are a fan of Marvel Comics and wanted to know who was that guy with the funky golden armor and red codpiece from Captain America #268 1/2, check out Marvel Universe Appendix. I have never seen such dedication to minutiae of details - and it's totally awesome! If you only know Cyclops or Iron Man . But if you want to know about the Brass Bishop (who?) Kulan Gath (huh?) or Chtylok (kraw!), you should peruse the place.

Whatever, let me have my nerd-gasm. But support them, they're very nice!

Dear Roommate, I'm Weird

Okay, so I was sitting in my room, watching Family Guy with no pants on and I heard the door open in the hallway. And then I hear footsteps come towards my door. And I get all freaked out so I yell "Ah! I'm not wearing pants." And my roommate says "I wasn't even going into your room." Now I think she thinks I'm masturbating. Which is gross! Dude, a man needs to have the right to not wear pants and watch television without being paranoid. Bachelors who live in studios are lucky. Dude, they could just live however they want. Fucking not shower for a couple days.

That's just sad that that's my dream life. Sitting on a couch with no pants eating quesadillas and a bowl of cereal and a bowl of carrots and raisins. I'm eating a crazy ridiculous meal. It's like "How many items from the food pyramid can I cram into one dinner?"

Anyway, dear roomie, I like tighty whities and I will continue to wear them, behind closed doors. But no penis touching.

What? That Old Thing?!

Oh right, it’s Last Comic Standing today. Yesterday I had to make the choice of whether I should go to an interesting job, or miss a whole day’s pay to stand outside in the elements in a crazy outfit so that I can be ripped apart for 2 minutes by inordinately bitchy judges – assuming I even get seen.

WTFever. I'm so over that.

The whole LCS thing is such a crock. I understand the idea behind it, but it’s so dishonestly done. I know there are comics who are great and don’t get their due and it’s great to give them a showcase. I wish the producers would market it as “Hey these are awesome people doing great things you’ve never heard of. Check them out!” Instead, it’s all “Holy mackerel, can you believe that these are average Joes with all this talent???!!!!!111one Holy crap, we discovered these gems!” No bigwigs, you didn’t discover them. They’ve been around for YEARS. There are so many people on the show who’ve had television and movie deals, headline across the country and make more in a night than I do in 6 months. At best, the people who appear in the shows promos (i.e. that 2 minute teaser) are being plucked out of (relative) obscurity, but the people who make it to the finals…they really don’t need a handout. Honestly, that like having a Best Superhero contest and introducing Batman as someone who “just appeared on the scene and seems to be doing some cool things.” Puh-leeze. Now if Tigra or Stingray were on that show, grrrrrr (and sensible – I bet none of you even know who either of them are).

I wish everyone who waited in line the best of luck. As for me, I’m going to sit in a cubicle, blog and bask in the warmth of job security.

College Procrastination

I don't think I ever posted this article. This is from the days when I was a serious college journalist. Some of you guys may be familiar with my Worst Week Ever column (where I basically got an 800 word column to discuss whatever I was feeling miffed about). Man, those were the days, when peopel used to listen to my opinions. Those were also the days when I produced comedy shows with colleagues who actually respected each other and the audience was always 50+. This article is set in a mythical place called Wesleyan in a faraway land called Connecticut, where the trees stay green and the argyles are always dry cleaned.

Without Further Ado: College Procrastination Redux...

Worst Week Ever 2: If I Only Had More Time...

For this column I am writing on-site from the computer lab. To either side of me are students with frazzled hair, twitchy from downing Red Bulls and Starbuck's double shot espressos, trying desperately to finish their papers. The day is a Sunday, the time is 11:57 p.m. and I have both this column to write and a paper to finish. I have joined the rank of these sleep-deprived procrastinators and, needless to say, I am not pleased.

Why do we do this to ourselves, frittering away our free time, only to save the heavy work until the last minute? Now I know what you're thinking: "Procrastinators are just lazy; they're not having the worst week ever." Tut tut, disbelievers. Allow me to flowchart the course of a procrastinator's week so you can understand how we end up so screwed.

Monday: The teacher assigns the essay. She tells you that the essay is due next Monday - no excuses for lateness. She warns, "The questions may seem easy, but they require thought and a close reading of the text." You make a point of highlighting the assignment, adding a note that says "Remember to go home and start the paper. You'll regret it when Sunday rolls around and the paper isn't started." As soon as class is over, go home and take a nap. Mutter "I have all week to get a jump start on the paper." Cue ominous music.

Tuesday: Today is jam-packed with hours of class. It is your heavy day and you are too tired to look at the planner. Have a long dinner with friends. Gossip about the events of last weekend. Someone in your class will approach you and ask, "Did you start the paper yet?" Shake your head no and laugh; in your head you think, "We have all the time in the world." A small seed of fear implants itself in your mind.

Wednesday: Who are you kidding? Wednesday is bar night/bong night. And even if it wasn't, you won't commit yourself to anything academic at the hump of the week - please!

Thursday: The fear has grown into a seedling. That deadline looms over your head like a sword of Damocles. You question your values: "Where is that book I need to read? Shouldn't I at least have an outline for this paper?" As punishment, you do not allow yourself to go out, even though you heard about that raging party at Home Avenue. Do you get the work done? Of course not, because you're far too busy doing a crossword, getting your laundry done, and checking away messages.

Friday: While cleaning your room, you spot the book you need to re-read on the floor. This is the most physical contact you have made with the book so far. Read a couple of the pages, place Post-Its on an important passage. You're getting into being proactive - and then your phone rings. A friend tells you about a birthday party and you drop the book, hit the showers, and get ready to waste time.

Saturday: Even though you set aside a specific block of time to work on the paper, you decide it's okay to pave over those good intentions and watch some inane VH1 shows while surfing Facebook. Your housemates/bad influences drag you out to dinner where you sit for hours and discuss all the work you have to do. Instead of moving from the talking phase to the doing phase, you go back to your room, stare at the clock and think: "Can I start pre-gaming now?" Begin drinking at 10:00 p.m. sharp, continue onward until 2:00 a.m., and fall asleep on the bed fully clothed at around 4:00 a.m. Right before bed, you think "I'm going to get up at 10:00 a.m. and do this paper."

Sunday: After wiping the dried saliva off your cheek, you squint at the alarm clock. It flashes 3:30 p.m. Take a thirty-minute shower, pack your bag and go to the library to get stuff done. You are primed, an essay-writing machine - but the lighting in the room is so dreary and dull and then - you pass out. At 7:00 p.m. wake up, take an hour long dinner and get back to work. Your fingers are poised at the keyboard; the book is open in your lap. And you realize, "I don't even know how to start this paper." The fear plant is now a redwood of despair. Get angry at the teacher. How dare she expect you to write something? How is a week enough time? Type up some notes, erase a paragraph, and add in a huge quote. Think: She didn't warn you about how challenging this paper was going to be. She knows better than to screw you over like this. Bang out a couple of pages. Adjust the margins. Look at the time; it's 3:00 a.m. The paper is sprawling mess of quotes and half-finished thoughts. Go into perfectionist mode ("This paper looks so bad I just can't finish it") then bargaining mode ("Oh God, please help me get this done; I'll never do this again") then settle into defeatist mode ("I could just drop out of school right now and then I won't have to do this paper").

And then that Monday rolls around. Your face is greasy, your wrists hurt from the non-stop typing, your eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep. The paper is finished, incoherent but complete. In your unattractive and anemic condition, you drag yourself to the classroom, drop the paper on the teacher's desk and pass out in the back while she prattles on about deconstructing the state.

Don't you see? We need help - perhaps a PowerPoint presentation on the importance of being timely. Perhaps, we just have a genetic predisposition to wasting time. Or maybe there aren't enough hours in the day. I know there's a solution to the procrastinator's dilemma out there somewhere and I plan to find it - but I'll get to that in a couple of weeks.

!oo!

!oo! is my new sign for victory. The !’s represent the index and little finger of championship and the o’s represent the knuckles of bad-ass-itude. Alternately, they also symbolize a football goalpost. Convenient Super Bowl segue…

I’m not a big Super Bowl fan by any means, but I did get to watch with a couple of friends, a lot of Domino’s Pizza and a Blue Moon. Here’s my cheers and jeers.

CHEERS: To the New York Giants winning! (Obviously!) I’ll be honest, I had doubts. Okay I had virtually no hope. I was optimistic, but my glass was 10% full. Go Eli Manning, maybe now people won’t call you “Peyton’s brah.”

JEERS: To the incredibly racist Bud Light commercials. Seriously, advertisers, a commercial making fun of South Asian accents? Of course that makes me want to buy your beer. Because beer should be American. No foreigners allowed. They might drop malaria and SARS in the barley. Disgusting. Oh and Carlos Mencia was part of it. Carlos Mencia – king of joke thieves, jack of all stereotypes, master of none. Majorly disgusting!

CHEERS: To Tom Brady getting sacked. Over and over again. I hope Gisele dumps you, Tom. She needs a winner, not a whiner. Tom Brady?—more like Tom “Throws Like A Lady.” Ohhhh, you got hosed on a blog read by 3 people!!!

JEERS: To that BS: “Everyone off the field, we have to play that :01 left in the fourth quarter even though the Giants are up AND have possession on the ball.” Sore losers, much?

CHEERS: To that really cool Coke commercial when Charlie Brown gets the soda. I would have shed a tear, but he’s an inflatable representation of a cartoon character.

JEERS: To another Geico caveman commercial. Go away cavemen! Go the way of the woolly mammoth and become extinct.

That’s all really. In conclusion, yay Giants. !oo!

Minor New Year's Resolution

I was actually able to take a poo in the office! Finally, I feel like I accomplished something grand!

Bed-Ridden

To anyone who went to any of the potential shows I had this week, I'm sorry to say I had to cancel. I was feverishly sick all day Tuesday and Wednesday wasn't that much better. After two days AWOL, I finally trucked it into work today but I'm in more pain than an 80-year-old woman who doesn't get enough calcium.

Damn this freaking flu going around. This is the problem with temping hourly. No paid sick days. Also, no health insurance...but that's another story.

Around The City Shows

Some stuff I'm doing in the city:

Monday January 14th: Pine Tree Lodge
326 East 35th Street (bet. 2nd and 1st Avenue)
9 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Joe Dixon and I run this short show with great comics. Plus we're re-enacting our old contest o' champions! Where any random audience member can win a super-kewl prize (TM). I host this every Monday, so come by and get free $h!7.

Featuring Mike Lawrence, Jessica Delfino, Darrell Shipley, Kendra Cunningham

Tuesday January 15: Alibi Lounge - Comedy For The F*$% of It!
116 MacDougal Street (between West 3rd and Bleecker)
8 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Really cool show hosted by really cool comedian DEL. Usually free give-aways and what not.

Saturday February 2nd: The PIT - Naked Comedy Show
154 West 29th Street (close to 7th Ave)
I'll be baring more than just my soul at this clothing free showcase of jocularity! Featuring Rob O'Reilly and Andy Ofiesh.
8 PM
COST $10

I'm working on re-doing my MySpace but when I do, it's on! Check it out for a list of other shows so you can see my wit live. Oh yeah! Plus I'm working on a new performance art set. Should be fun...

It Goes There

DeGrassi marathons have my warped my head. They taught me about a new type of person: a man-cer. That's a man who lives with cancer and doesn't cry about it. Also, a Canadian actor who can't subtly display emotions.

I've got to make a big decision. And instead of deliberating, I procrastinate. My work ethic is so bad that I can't even think of an end to this joke.

My Apologies For Previous Entries

Ugh no more drunk blogging. I think that's what killed the dinosaurs.

Comic on Comedians #1b: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Addendum: I think Patton Oswalt is like Andy Kindler, except less whiny. They're both so aware of the dubious famous-ness of the comedy business. It's a cckiness I wish I could have as a stage persona.

Comic on Comedians #1: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Wow, Andy Kindler is fucking amazing. I just saw his stand-up. It's a perfect whiny joke-telling character. They're really good at their persona characters. Wow, it's weird. Classic 80s comedians have such characters about them. They feel plastic and yet, they're still clever at the same time. It's an odd feeling, to see comedy of the 80s feel original, yet are actually so manufactured, so meticulously picked out. Everything in the 80s is experimental, and yet so calculated at the same time. I think there was a lot of foresight in terms of distilled popular culture in the 80s. As opposed to the 2000s, where there is just too much information. The internet has destroyed our notion of privacy. In essence we can all expose the truth about ourselves. There are blogs, and internet voyeurs, and social networking sites. They are so addictive. It's impossible to not check your friendship status, see how virtually popular you are. It is ridiculous. Ha ha.

NVR SAY NVR

I'm trying to put together a new CD based on "love songs." The only song I decided on was Romeo Void's "Never Say Never." I think my inner romantic is a smarmy early 80s tool.

For those of you who don't know Romeo Void, here's a link to one of their favored songs. Most memorable catch-phrase: I might like you better if we slept together.

Though I like the line, I have to disagree. If I really hate someone, sometimes I think "Maybe I would like you better if we slept together." (which is admittedly an awkward thought when applied to ex-bosses or that homeless lady who preaches on the train). But having sex with a homeless lady probably wouldn't raise my opinion of her. I'd probably hate myself more if we slept together.

Besides, sex isn't like karaoke. I always like people better after I've sung horribly off-key with them. In fact, I would totally love a homeless person who wanted to do karaoke with me. I would probably give her $10 and a 40 of Old English. Maybe I'd take her home, give her a hot bath and a meal. And then...maybe I'd sleep with her. Which would bring me back to hating myself.

Damn! Even my alterna-logic is failing me. Or maybe I just don't like homeless people. Which is a really insensitive thought to have. Sad face.

The 8 Jokes I Never Want To Hear Again In 2008

In lieu of resolutions, I have decided to pass along knowledge to my fellow man. Thus I give you "The 8 Jokes I Never Ever EVER Want To Hear Again in 2008." This goes out to all my fellow comedians/writers/drunk storytellers.

(1) Jokes with the structure: "I like ___. I think that makes me a ___; my friends think that makes me a faggot."

WHY: Because we get it; you like something weird and metrosexual. That you have to resort to calling it gay makes you sound bigoted. The shock value of the word has long worn off, and you just look desperate now. Plus it's such a simplistic feint that it looks like you get all your jokes from the Christian right.

(2) "Why do white people act like X (irrational and verbose) but black people act like Y (rational but ignorant-sounding)?" and the remix "Why are all Asians like X (stereotypical 'Engrish' voice)?"

WHY: Because these jokes stopped being funny when desegregation happened. Seriously, it's not insightful to say that white people and black people act differently - especially not in New York City where pretty much everyone acts like they're insane. Maybe one day when Jim Crow laws go back in style and you have to peek over an electric fence at your differently-raced neighbors and muse about why chopsticks "be all silly and shit," then this could be considered valid material. But right now, you sound like Archie Bunker without the ironic and inherent cleverness (i.e. LAME!).

(3) Jokes that involve Arnold Schwartzenegger/Samuel L. Jackson accents.

WHY: Because no one does a good Schwartzenegger or Jackson accent. Schwartzenegger has been in office for four years now; let it go. Snakes on a Plane happened like 2 years ago; either buy the DVD or move on.

(4) Myspace/Facebook/Friendster/social networking site jokes.

WHY: Because you look like a tool when you have 2,000,000 i-friends and yet you're making fun of the site that's helping you get bookings and a cult following. As an aside, yes I do have a Myspace joke, but it's based on a true story...and I plan to drop it in a couple months.

(5) Jokes about the Puerto Rican Day/Dominican/West Indian parade

WHY: Because jokes hinged on the premise of minorities congregating together, getting drunk, and stealing from and raping white women aren't funny, they're just "Birth of a Nation Redux." Refer to the white people/black people/Asian people argument basically.

(6) Jokes about Britney Spears

WHY: Because it looks like you subscribe to Us Weekly and obsessively read Perez Hilton's blog; two places I don't even look at as an authority on fake celebrity news. Watch the Britney Spears Trade Wreck (TM) was never entertaining; it's just so WTFever. Whenever I hear a Britney joke, I just yawn and go "Wow, you spent 2 minutes on that, you realize you're going to need REAL MATERIAL now." Plus "Best Week Ever" and "The Soup" already do those jokes...and they do it better than you. Just follow the lead of that crazy androgynous kid and "Leave Britney alone!"

(7) Jokes about local comics

WHY: Because at the end of the day, it's lazy and it's rude. We're not in high school anymore; if you have nothing nice to say about another comic, don't say anything at all.

(8) BUSH JOKES!!!!!

WHY: Because...just stop it! I get it: George Bush is controversial. George Bush had substance abuse problems. Guess what? - it's not clever anymore. Hell, at this point it's actually funny to just listen to the President speak than to hear some bad comic do a bad Bush impersonation and then go "Look how politically savvy I am!" Newsflash: you're not! Bush jokes has been done to death and decomposed. If you're going to be political, do some real research and find a corrupt politician. All you need to do is spend 10 minutes on Wikipedia and you can find somebody.

-There it is, folks. You can either listen to my advice or not; your mileage may vary. But if I hear any variations on these jokes, I will walk out of the room (either mentally or physically) and never return for the rest of your set. Unless you're able to reinvent the wheel on these hack jokes. Which is doubtful.

Happy New Year!

2008 - Slightly Less Racist Than 1958

Tell me if I'm overreacting.

At around 9:30 PM I left my apartment to get cigarettes. I wore a black hooded sweater jacket, light blue jeans, and black sneakers. I reach the store, get my smokes, and walk the long way back so I can enjoy my cigarette. Because it was cold I was walking quickly and reached my building far too soon. Usually, when this happens, I walk around to a spot where I can finish, but there were vagrants there, and quite frankly I didn't want to have any potential discussions with the homeless. So, I stand 1/4 block away from my door near a security post and finish my cigarette. I go inside, and prepare to open the inner door to the building, when three people (2 white and 1 East Asian) enter the vestibule. One says "Um, you don't live here."

To which I responded: "Yes I do" and showed my keys.

They continue to try and disprove the fact that I live here and I have to dangle my keys (literally!) and tell them where I live and my alma mater before I can get into my own house. Mind you, it's freezing and late.

To their credit, the three apologized and explained that because of recent criminal activity, they wanted to make sure I am who I say I am. But still...er...I had keys, what the fuck?!

Now I am not the type to cry "Racism!" but I think this is a practical case where the "R" word would best characterize the situation. Maybe the hoodie and black sneakers are "criminal uniform." But I also didn't know that criminals wear tinted prescription glasses or would do something as conspicuous as stand by a security booth, smoking a cigarette, and drawing attention to themselves. And let's not forget the major fact: I HAD KEYS!

While I understand the "need to verify," I can't help but wonder if the situation were different if my skin color was different. I shouldn't have to leave my building wearing my college sweatshirt and an alumni ring. And I shouldn't have to explain to people where I live and where I'm from. And wearing a hoodie in 35 degree weather isn't sketchy, it's practical.

The question of finding out who I am and whether I lived in their building could have been braced more tactfully, e.g., "I've never seen you here before." But the automatic assumption from white residents that because I smoke and wear a hoodie, I don't live here and am a criminal is very disturbing and offensive.

So to the group of three who wanted to make sure I wasn't coming in to rob them and rape their white women, I appreciate your vigilance but this is one black guy you don't have to be afraid of.

Moral: I have to go out and get cigarettes in suits. Or $100 sweaters without hoods. Especially no hoods.

Fall Of The Wall

I'm in a pisser of a mood, for a whole slew of reasons I can't list here. Mainly because no matter how bad my day is, there's always someone who has it worse. I just found out that Adara Almonte, a comedienne and hostess of the Laugh Force passed away this Saturday. I didn't know Adara very well, but I had worked with her before and she was a really nice person. Comedians like that are a rarity. I don't know what happened, but I am sorry for her family's loss.

I'm not going to pull a moment of silence demand, but it would be nice to take a deep breath and put things in perspective. It's something I haven't done in a while, and in it's own way, that pause is pulling me back from the edge. I have a show tomorrow, but after that I'm done with comedy for the rest of 2007 (all 11 days of it - big hiatus, I know). I just don't have the energy right now and I haven't talked to a vast majority of my friends, who are really angry that I haven't returned their calls in a while.

Moral of the story: reach out to somebody. Happy holidays.

Unemployment

You know it's a bad day when the major events of the day involve showering and cereal. Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss day jobs.

All I do now is wash the dishes and watch the same two crap HBO movies in the afternoon (this week it's John Tucker Must Die and "Poseidon" - the newer one, which used special effects to cover up for shitty acting). Here's my unemployed afternoon in a nutshell:

11:00 AM: Wake up, turn on the news, turn over and over in bed. Check your phone to see how important you are, make a list of all the things you'll have to do. Then fall back asleep for 15 minutes and forget all about the list.

12:00 PM: Put on a towel but delay showering for another two hours. After all, there's nothing pressing to do, and what's the point of washing up with no place to go? It's a waste of clothes, and laundry is expensive. Instead, check the funny and NYC blogs, Google "Calvin Cato" to see how many times you name pops up (so far, twice a page for the next 5 pages), laugh at Craigslist ads. Get something to drink (OJ, milk).

1:30 PM: Open the blinds, try to get some light in. Walk around like a caged animal. Think about where to go. Museum?--nah too boring. Bookstore?--nah, can't concentrate enough to read. Coffee shop?--Cliche. Lay down, take a nap. You had a tough time thinking.

3:00 PM: Where the hell did the day go? Make a lunch out of leftovers.

3:45 PM: Wash the dishes. Think about something funny. Remember to write it down.

4:00 PM: Shower. No matter how much you hand-test the water, you always manage to jump in when it's too cold. You have to roll away and pull nude acrobatics. You have to grope and paw at the knob like a blind person.
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Granted, I wouldn't be doing a lot more in the office, but I'd get money, and a sense of...um...satisfaction. It's sad, I want to be a cog in the corrupt greasy machine of life. Weirded out.

Well in the meantime, it's 3:37 PM. I have to shower and send out the obligatory 5 resumes to places I will never here from. Signing off!

Mas o Menos

December is a weird month. My current job is ending, the comedy opportunities are drying up, the weather is not so delightful. Everything seems to be winding down, or is it winding up a mess? I'm really just waiting for New Year's, so I can whack the reset button and figure out my next scheme of taking over the world (or at least adding to my bank balance). And yet, I'm starting to see the futility of it all. It's all so Sisyphus. January, I'll work my damnedest to push that boulder of success uphill and by December the boulder and I will have careened down to the bottom. But I still like the feel of the date. January 1. Just about three weeks away. Right now, it's just a time-killing exercise until I get to an arbitrary date where I can absolve myself and become "born again."

Why is that? Why does the thought of regeneration appeal to me so much, even though I already know I won't change? Maybe it's just natural for humans to believe in target dates, in endings and beginnings. Perhaps we all strive to be Janus, two-faced, having everything both ways.
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On a brighter note, I did see someone break the Sisyphean mode when I saw Susannah Perlman's (a.k.a. The Goddess) show at the Zipper Factory. It's called Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad and features comedy, burlesque, spoken word, and a band called The Four Skins (and yes there are actually four of them). I got there a little late, but I saw Mindy Raf, Ophira Eisenberg and Rena Zager do some really nice comedy. Plus, I got to see Vanessa Hidary a.k.a. Jewish Mamita do a spoken word piece about a guy who "fucked like Brooklyn." Not the Brooklyn where I'm from, apparently. Seriously, check it out. There are dancing dreidels and stripping rabbis. Plus Susannah goes through a lot of costume changes in the show. A lot! It's worth it.

Also, I did a Thusday MC show at Stand-Up New York and it was really good. Fun show all around. I got the gig through Rhodes Pierre and Curtis Parks and it was an excellent showcase. Luke Cunningham, Jackie Monahan, and Eric Andre performed too (grea job!). I got to give away a free round of shots AND get drunk mysef. That shit is win-win. I also made up a really bad joke on the spot and got laughs. Weird, but I'll take that over a bottle to the face.

Already, enough happy. There, I posted so the December tab can have a "(1)" next to it. Don't worry, when the unemployment sets in, I'll be blogging a lot more.

Strangest Two-Liner of November

I think the 20-something version of the movie "I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With" would be "I Want Someone To Smoke Trees With." Because let's face it, weeding is fundamental.