Why I’m Too Dumb To Have A Job: A Dialogue

Big Boss: Well it was wonderful meeting you. I’ll be going back to the home office tomorrow morning.
Me: Oh, well it was great meeting you too.
Big Boss: I realize we didn’t get to talk much one-on-one but I should be back in a few months and we can talk more personally then.
Me: Well…uh…thanks for shaking my hand.
Big Boss: [pause] Okay, cheers then. [Leaves]
Me: [headdesk]

Let Them Eat Cake? No Thank You!

As we all know and heard, the government gave $170 billion in taxpayer money to AIG (American International Group). And even thought the company reported a loss of $61 billion, they somehow are managing to pay executives $165 million in bonuses (I guess for setting a record or something). Needless to say, the not-royal we were not amused. And our government’s big response boils down to: “You should feel ashamed of yourselves.” Seriously? You fail, government.

What is with the 21st century turning everyone into pussies? I remember back in the day, whenever there were too many rich people blatantly stealing from the poor there would be a revolution – complete with guillotine, anarchy and a short guy in charge. Or warriors from up north or far east would start marauding and pillaging, storming castles and sending a hail of fiery arrows down on helpless defenders. Back in the times when European monarchies mattered, if the ruling body was displeased, entire bloodlines were eliminated. But now, the government can basically hand over a blank check to corrupt gout-sufferers who proceed to spend the money on themselves and the best response is a whiny “Give it back!” I didn’t realize that Congress is now that 5-year-old trying to grab his Wolverine toy back from his too-tall big brother who’s holding it hostage at arms length.

Why can’t we, oh I don’t know, give the taxpayer money back to the taxpayers?! I paid my bills on time, don’t use limos to get to work, and I’ve managed not to screw over families and other people’s futures. All I got back was $200 from Uncle Sam. That can’t even support a Wall Street stockbroker’s cocaine habit for the day. What. The. Fuck.

If you’re pissed, don’t just write a scathing editorial. These execs obviously don’t feel ashamed, not when they can bounce to some island and hire prostitutes to boost their egos. This shame based society bullshit isn’t working anymore. Let’s all go to Home Depot, buy some pitchforks and tiki torches and do this thang old-school (or medieval-school, whatever). Although, we’d probably have to use Google to find out where these people live, but still. Old-school!

March 27th Show @ Comix (Ochi's Lounge)

Thanks to eveyrone who came to the first show! This next show is looking fantastic with more music and grass skirts than you can shake a stick at. Details below: hope to see you next Friday!


DATE: March 27th 2009 (Friday)
LOCATION: Comix (Ochi’s Lounge downstairs) – 353 West 14th Street east of 9th Ave
TIME: 7:00 PM - 8:30 PM
COST: No cover, 1-item minimum

Auld Lang Syne has come and gone, but the entertainment keeps on rolling! Calvin S. Cato (Game Show Network, Stand-Up New York, Naked Comedy Show) presents a comedy/music variety show with wonderful recruiters and raconteurs who’ll regale you with jokes, songs and humorous job tips! Oh and did we mention that everyone who comes to the show gets a free resume? So if you're unemployed, underemployed, or looking to hire someone who knows Microsoft Office, come by and check out the only show that has 100% talent, 0% health insurance.

Comedy By:
Sean Crespo (Comedy Central's Root Of All Evil, Comix’s Drink At Work Show, Television Without Pity)
Liz Miele (Live At Gotham, featured in the New Yorker)
Del (BET's My Two Cents, Caroline's on Broadway, Comedy For The F&%* Of It)
Scout Durwood (MTV’s A Shot At Love, Miss America pageant contestant!)
Chris Conway (Comix’s Roots)

Music Interlude by:
Joe Yoga (artist-in-residence at Under St. Marks Theater)

Special Music Performance by:
Sonic Uke (Midnight Ukelele Disco, New York Ukelele Cabinet, and they’re New Zealanders)

http://www.comixny.com/ochislounge.aspx#poor

Interview With Bad Slava

Interview Update: Here is a better link to the interview: Interview With Calvin Cato.

Also, I just want to let you guys know that I’ll perform anywhere: bars, restaurants, basements, hell even Jeffrey Dahmer’s house. Sure, the place is musty but at least he has a captive audience.

Speaking of basements, catch me tonight: March 12th at 8:00 PM at Tagine Dining gallery for Nouveau Poor. Address: 537 9th Avenue (just south of West 40th Street). All the info and the press paragraph is below (no I didn’t change it, though I should have been more creative). Check it out if you’re nearby!

Auld Lang Syne has come and gone, but the entertainment keeps on rolling! Calvin S. Cato (Game Show Network, Stand-Up New York, Naked Comedy Show) presents a comedy/music variety show with wonderful recruiters and raconteurs who’ll regale you with jokes, songs and humorous job tips! Oh and did we mention that everyone who comes to the show gets a free resume? So if you're unemployed, underemployed, or looking to hire someone who knows Microsoft Office, come by and check out the only show that has 100% talent, 0% health insurance.

Comedy By:

Matt Nagin (Comix's Intermission, Under St. Marks Theatre)
Mo Diggs (writer for The Apiary and Dead Frog)
Chris Laker (Comedy2go)
Adam Lash (Caroline's, Comix's So You Think You're Funny)
Brendan Fitzgibbons (New York Underground Comedy favorite)

Nouveau Shows Coming Up

First of all, thanks to everyone who came out to see the show at Comix! It was standing room only packed! The next show is March 27th and there will be a ton of emails about the whole thing, but for now, here are some shows I'm doing for next week. I'm all over Twitter now so check that too for details.


President Jackson Show
Monday March 9th: 9:00 PM - 10:10 PM
Produced by Joe Dixon and hosted by Calvin Cato, this show has nothing to do with a white president and is run by two black guys who wear argyle. Did your irony meter explode, because it should have! We feature comedians with credits, without credits, with drinking problems, whatever. Seriously, it's a fun show and there are 2-for-1 drinks. Check this out!

Tickets: Free
Pinetree Lodge - 326 East 35th Street (between 1st and 2nd Av)
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Nouveau Poor
Thursday March 12th: 8:00 PM – 9:30 PM
Tagine Dining Gallery

Calvin S. Cato presents a wonderful blend of comedy and music in a cool Moroccan venue. We have comedians who've been featured on MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, and top comedy clubs in the city as well as musicians who've played at the top indie venues in New York City. Plus, there's belly dancing and hookah afterwards! Check out the only show that's like Casablanca in Technicolor.

Tickets: Free
Tagine Dining Gallery - 537 9th Avenue (just south of West 40th Street)

Outrage!

Yesterday I asked to borrow my dad’s camera so I can take pictures for my show on Friday…and he said “No.” Can you believe he had the nerve to say no after all I’ve done for him? I mean, I let him wipe my butt when I was a baby and I let him see my vulnerable side when I would throw tantrums and scream “I wish I’d never been born.” He had the luxury of watching me beat Street Fighter II over and over as a kid, stopping him from watching the oh-so-depressing 10 O’Clock News. Or all the cultural events I’d take him to: like the movie “Batman and Robin” or “Six Flags Great Adventure.” I offered to pay but he insisted on it, and ticket takers don’t like being paid in sacks of quarters. I thought he liked the fact that I put him up on a pedestal…sure it was for ridicule but still. And I would always talk about my dad in such positive tones, like “I’m positive my dad is trying to ruin my life!” or “I positively can’t stand him!”

You know what, dad? No more! I see now that you don’t care about my career path. I get that when you would say things like “I don’t understand why you couldn’t have been a doctor” that that’s not an old Jamaican saying, that was [gasp!] the truth. Or when you bared your teeth when I told you I wanted to a writer/comedian – I know now that that wasn’t’ a smile; it was a grimace. Listen here buster, the time for fun and games is over. Now I’ll be calling you less (unless it’s for money, in which case I’ll still call you on the 1st and the 15th…but now we won’t talk about what I need the money for).

Secretly though, I think he’s mad because I didn’t send him a Facebook invite to the show (which is this Friday at 7 PM in Comix’s Downstairs Room – 353 West 14th Street just east of 9th Avenue. Subtlety is my middle name).

Madea Can Kiss My @$$

Recently, one of my good friends went to see the new Tyler Perry movie: Madea Goes To Jail. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Madea is a large sassy black matriarch who talks like a Maury Povich audience member reprimanding a baby daddy on stage. The role of Madea is played by Tyler Perry, a black man who clearly doesn’t get that this stereotypical acting was so last century and went the way of the sitcom “Martin.” Quite frankly, I’m not surprised Madea went to jail considering she spends every single movie threatening to “get all up in someone’s ass” or punch out a strumpet. Hell, she’s at least facing aggravated assault charges.

People ask me why I’m not a fan of Tyler Perry’s movies. The short answer is because I have a high school diploma. The long answer is because I’m tired of these tired tropes. See, I used to work retail in a video store where the televisions looped popular videos all day. I had the displeasure of watching Diary Of A Mad Black Woman on loop and it does awful things to your head. I would always be embarrassed when non-black people would ask me about the movie as though I had a connection to it. I mean, if you were using this movie as a way to learn about black culture, you’d think all black men are dogs and all old black women have a 5 o’clock shadow.

Now there are people who can enjoy his movies qua frivolous entertainment, but I’m not easily entertained by a “No she di’nt!” and a finger wag. Honestly, if I wanted to watch a black guy crossdress and fail to make me laugh, I’d go to Eddie Murphy’s house. I can at least tolerate Eddie’s trademark chortle.

[New Title Pending]: Rapid Rack Reads 2

Dark Avengers #2:

In which the team wastes half an issue shooting the shit before rushing in to save Dr. Doom from bitter ex-girlfriend Morgan Le Fay. Cue Sentry doing something ultra-violent, which in a neat change of pace, doesn’t work! So next issue, we’ll see the real fight.

You know, I just don’t know what to think of this book. It’s Bendis sticking to formula and he’s on rather good form here. The Deodato art is wonderful as always; the layouts are eye-catching. And yet, taken within the context of the entire Marvel Universe, this book feels…well, wrong. The climactic event where the Sentry ends it by ripping off Morgan Le Fay’s head is a cool scene, but when you think about it, you realize this action doesn’t remotely befit his character (and the whiny “Did I do good or bad” line made Sentry look pathetic not conflicted). It would have made more sense for Ares (a violent war god) to deliver the blow without equivocation (which would have built on his bad-ass attitude established in Mighty Avengers). Or the scene between Moonstone (Ms. Marvel) and Daken (Wolverine) where she says “I have no idea who the %*&^ you are.” Surface thought: clever. But upon deeper inspection Moonstone (as a trained psychiatrist) is never that blunt and Daken (a young powderkeg) would be much more offended at that statement. Or even the Bullseye joke about killing his mom. Sure, he has a sick sense of humor but the lines don’t jive with his temperament at all. The man’s homicidal, not matricidal. These characters don’t sound like themselves; they sound like snarky football players toweling off after defeating their rivals. And the Morgan/Doom fight was rather boring and poorly plotted. Generic purple blasts equals yawn. I feel conflicted because there’s some wonderful potential here and a gold mine of character conflicts that could be set up but the dimensionality of this team isn’t there. The story’s not bad but I just don’t see why I should care. 3 Cs out of 7.

X-Force #11:

In which we find out the motivations of Eli Bard, New Resident Bad Guy, as Warpath tells the team of Eli’s past as a shamed patrician/general in the Roman Empire who Selene (yay!) manipulates into falling in love with him. This ends badly when poor old Eli effs up Selene’s spell to steal all the souls of Rome. A pissed-off Selene curses him with eternal life and spurns him for centuries. But now he’s back to make good on stealing a bunch of souls for her…from dead mutants. Or techno-zombies. Or something.

I honestly have no grounding in this new X-Force and I only picked it up for Selene. The backstory itself was interesting and sad. I mean this guy basically got shit on his whole life and is cursed with immortality and an undying love for a psycho witch. An issue-long set-up for a major villain seems a bit much but the art (especially the past scenes) and the dialogue make it a nice read. Plus, it features a back-to-basics approach with Selene as a covetous demi-god wanting power for power’s sake and pulling the strings of “mere mortals” behind the scenes, which was always one of the stronger aspects of her character. I’m not too thrilled by Eli; he hasn’t shown any other sides of himself beyond lovesick lap-dog. But we’ll see what happens, and hopefully there’ll be some betrayal or triple-cross or something. Overall, a good story arc intro. 5 Cs out of 7.

Nouveau Poor Is At Comix Next Friday!!

Next Friday, I’m at Comix. I’m even on their website!

Here’s the blurb und drang:

TITLE: Nouveau Poor
LOCATION: Comix (Ochi's Lounge: The Downstairs Room) – 353 West 14th Street (just east of 9th Avenue)
COST: Free, 1-item minimum
DATE: February 27th, 2008
TIME: 7:00 PM – 8:30 PM

Auld Lang Syne has come and gone, but the entertainment keeps on rolling! Let these wonderful recruiters and raconteurs regale you with funny stories and humorous job tips! Created by Calvin S. Cato (Game Show Network, Stand-Up New York, Naked Comedy Show), this is the only comedy/music variety show that encourages people to trade resumes as well as laughs.

Comedy By:
Sean Crespo (Comedy Central's Root Of All Evil, Drink At Work Show @ Comix, Cracked.com)
Hilary Schwartz (Eastville Comedy Club's, Jewish Princess of Darkness)
Jermaine Fowler (DC Comedy Showcase, opened for Patrice O'Neal)
Del (BET's My Two Cents, Caroline's on Broadway, Comedy For The F&%* Of It)
Roman Rimer (Magnet Theatre's, Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Trannies)

Music Interlude by:
Kierstin Gray (Award-winning songwriter, performed in LA and Tokyo)

Improv by: Black Boxes In The Corner (Boston Improv Troop)

[New Title Pending]: Rapid Rack Reads 1

As some of you may know, the freelancing has been not-so-successful as of late but I promised new reviews. So here's my brief summaries until I can raise capital to do full-length reviews again (read: until I can afford to buy the comics and take them home). Basically, I read these in the store so I might have missed some of the subtle stuff but the overarching themes are there. Also, I know New Avengers came out a little bit ago, but I just read it. So there.

Dark Avengers #1: Brian Michael Bendis (writer), Mike Deodato (artist)

PLOT: Norman Osborn and his assistant Ms. Hand set to work on creating the Dark Avengers (which in case you didn't figure it out is half ex-Thunderbolts, quarter ex-Avengers, the rest other people's characters co-opted from talented writers - I use the term loosely in Daken's case). And not a moment too soon...because Morgan Le Fay shows up to attack Doctor Doom in one of those classic time-traveling-boy-meets-sorceress-girl-and dumps-her-by-going-to-the-future-with-her-army-forcing-her-to-spy-on-him-through-a-magical-reflecting-surface-and-finding-him-not-only-alive-and-well-but-in-the-company-of-two-other-women situations. Ah love!

POINTS: Love the art! Mike Deodato's work rules! It's a first issue, which does the job of getting the team together and it does rather well. However, the whole story feels hollow and artificial and more could have been done. While there were some clever touches (the HAMMER gag in particular, Maria Hill and Ms. Marvel's reactions to Norman Osborn, and Moonstone and Ares's interactions) and great conflict set-up, there just isn't enough real action or justification for this team. The book feels so Thunderbolts-lite and I don't want to get into this book feeling biased but I do, because this is basically Ellis' team in shinier costumes. Everything feels very generic and all these "gather the team" gimmicks have been seen way too many times in the past year for me to be enthused anymore. 4 Cs out of 7.

New Avengers #48: Brian Michael Bendis (writer), Billy Tan (art)

PLOT: Yet another gather the team issue. But this team serves a couple of purposes: (1) Get Luke Cage and Jessica Jones' (a.k.a. Worst Parents Ever - Really?! Abandoning your child to go fight aliens?!) baby back and (2) Provide a resistance for the Dark Avengers. Oh and Mockingbird is back for good, people. Apparently because someone Loves The 80s (VH1 TM).

POINTS: Really just see the Dark Avengers review. The set-ups sound promising and the potential for conflict is there. There is a higher action quotient which adds to the entertainment value and the pro-activity of the team is a majorly refreshing change of pace from earlier issues where the plot was to have the team stare at each other from across a table until Spider-Woman blurts out what shady organization she's allied with this week. I'd be more impressed if the "Let's fill the reader in on the new status quo" issue didn't appear...oh...5 or 6 other times in this series. I have less patience for this book because it's been a lot of hype that hasn't gone anywhere and it's going to take a lot more than snappy dialogue to turn me around. Plus I still fail to see why Mockingbird is back, when Black Widow could have very clearly filled that spot on the team. 20:1 odds they'll be fighting ninjas within 5 issues. 3 Cs out of 7.

Uncanny X-Men Annual #2: Matt Fraction (writer), Daniel Acuna & Mitch Breitweiser (art)

PLOT: Emma Frost proves she's still got it by seducing Namor, taking on her former employer Sebastian Shaw, and showing she can stand eye-to-eye with the nastiest of the Marvel Universe. And finally readers understand why she's swept up in Bendis' Dark Reign. Plus, a Selene sighting!!!!*

POINTS: You know, this was actually well done. Considering it's linked to Dark Reign (which was a super-contrived follow-up to Secret Invasion), I wasn't particularly happy with the "SECRET HISTORY REVEALED" banner placed on this comic. And yet, the characterization really sold me. The comic did insert new White Queen history but it clarified a lot about her motivations and her change of heart. Frankly Sebastian Shaw and the Sentinel connection was something that never felt adequately addressed in any X-Book and Fraction does a great job of shedding light on that plot point and how it affected Emma. Plus Emma bags a prince of 70% of the world. The art was beautiful as well, with the flashback scenes rendered perfectly. It's really worth getting, not just as a tie in to Dark Reign but as a wonderful character study. 6 Cs out of 7.

*[ASIDE: Any Selene sighting usually bumps a comic up, because...well she's just that friggin awesome. Marvel, please put more Selene cameos in your books.]*

[New Title Pending]: On Female Superheroes or Vaginas Are Not Evil

I was checking out Jezebel and I came across this article, which had a link to another article on Rope of Silicon about why there aren't any successful female hero movies. I was actually talking about a very similar topic just the other day with a couple friends of mine.

We were talking about a potential Batman 3, and who should be the next villain. I'm really championing Catwoman because the first two movies, while excellent, were such a testosterone fest and it would be nice to see Batman go up against a cunning female equal. But they're picking super-obscure male characters (which in fairness sounded cool, but are general unknowns). We were then on the subject of obscure characters when I tossed out the idea of a Batgirl movie, which I'd like to see but I think would never work. To which they responded with "Yeah, who wants to see a chick Batman?" That line irked me, because my point isn't that she's Chick Batman, but because writers wouldn't be able to write or view her as anything other than than Chick Batman.

It really does bother me that I can think of virtually no successful superhero movies with females as developed viable leads. There is something strangely homoerotic about this obsession with male superheroes with big muscles and bigger codpieces. Even though society is so afraid of showing a penis in a major motion picture, there is no problem with having sweaty shirtless guys fight each other to verify their manhood. And there is still an endemic problem with using female characters only to further the male characters' angst (either by killing or raping them).

And it's not like strong female-centered stories can't be written. For example, I can think of Marc Andreyko's Manhunter (which manages to telling a compelling tale of a hard-working prosecutor who doesn't get her hair pulled by some jerk every issue) or Gail Simone's Birds Of Prey (which has women who can kick ass and joke about things that have nothing to do with boys or money or ponies)*.

I mean I am a guy, but sometimes (most times) male writers just have wrongheaded ideas about women. I was a huge fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but there were just so many virginal/whore tropes that undercut the idea of a strong female character. Hell, every time sex was brought into the picture, someone died or went evil or got pregnant and gave birth to something evil (which usually ended up killing the woman who bore the thing in the first place). And I saw these same disturbing tropes in his run on Astonishing X-Men. Kitty Pryde actually has sex with Colossus and bang, she's shot out into deep space and probably died (Colossus walks away unscathed). Mr. Whedon, I love your work but vaginas are not evil. I don't see why it's so difficult to have a confident woman who wears spandex and happens to have some nookie on the side.

And don't get me wrong, I loved The Dark Knight Returns, but I had to agree with Thera Pitts, Rachel Dawes was irritatingly underdeveloped. Here was a strong intelligent law-abiding assistant DA who ended up being little more than a casualty/footnote in Batman's crusade against the Joker and Two-Face's blind twisted vengeance. The only other major female character was Anna Ramirez, a tough street-smart cop, who ended up being a(n extremely minor) henchman who gets punched in the face by a man. I don't say this to cry "Sexism!" but it does speak to a major issue at hand about how male writers, directors and artists view women as viable characters.

I would like to see a successful Catwoman movie, or a Storm television miniseries, or yes a Batgirl movie. I guess you could call me a fe-man-ist, but I want to see these characters come to life too and become a successful franchise. I just wish we as a society can move on from our 1960s Batman thinking where women are only good enough to kick high and be untied from train tracks.

*NOTE: Gail Simone is no longer writing Birds of Prey. I lost track of who's writing it now and the book is getting cancelled (sigh!) so I don't know what the fate of the Birds are. But you should grab back issues (I believe it's issues 70 - 110) or buy it in trade.

My City

This week is going to be my last week telemarketing; I haven't told my employers yet but I figured this blog can do it for me. Maybe I can send HR an e-mail saying "Here are the reports, and by the way, have you checked out my blog? Here's the URL. See you, uh, soonish...for uh...my paycheck..."

Nah, seriously I will tell them. I'm just trying to stay motivated as I live in what I can only affectionately call "The Frathouse." My room is sub-arctic and my overhead light socket is broken, so I am writing this entry by dim lamp light. I wanted to just go full-on and write by candle-light but I don't know where the fire escape is and I refuse to die in a blaze of poverty.

The sick part is that I like this. This is what real New York Living is like. And also why I have no respect for that new MTV show "The City," another one of those faux-reality shows where bleach-blond girls giggle a lot at the camera and complain about barely getting by, even though they're handed gobs of money and never have to go to work (or do any work once they're in the office). I know I've expressed my dislike for shows like these in the past, but the whole concept of this show is just silly.

Living in New York and wanting to work in media does not involved an automatic lease on an Upper East Side apartment or taking a cab to the gym that's within walking distance. If you have not had a life-or-death battle with vermin, or had to learn a different language to communicate with the super, or seen homeless penis on the subway, then you are not living in New York City. Period. And if you're chasing a dream in New York City, you don't have time to blink rapidly and vapidly at a camera. At best, you have the time to crack open a beer and cry-sturbate while listening to Blur (I'm not saying that's how I spend my weekend, but I took an informal survey and that was the #1 answer).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower in boiling hot water because the cold knob is broken, step over lead paint chips, and get to bed so I can wake up early and head into a soul-crushing job that I'm leaving soon so I can go pursue my pipe dream. Like a real Manhattanite.

Tuesday Promotions...or I Couldn't Do A Talented Post Right Now

Okay so this is a tide-me-over-until-the-New-Year post because I've been running around like crazy trying to set up all my dominoes for 2009 (which I am super-excited about, as supposedly it's my good year). I was planning on blogging abroad (and by that I mean from my parent's house in Brooklyn) but I forgot my damn power cord and my laptop - wonderful piece of machinery that it is - fails to recognize that I have a battery that can charge. So, I have a ton of hand-written notes about Christmas, numerology, and story-telling that I can't transcribe and translate into writerly gold right now.

But I am doing a lot of stuff tomorrow so I figure "Hey while I have the spike in site views, let me slip in a little promotion." After all I am a Rat person (so says my unofficial numerologist) and we Rats love self-promotion (but ironically not cheese). So here's my Tuesday Biz:

I'll be on 99.3 The Joynt, tomorrow at 10 AM talking about the wackest moments of 2008 (and believe me there were a LOT of 'em - personal wack moments excluded). If you have internet, stream this ish!

At 2:30 PM, I'll be seen on QPTV (Queens Public Television) hosting a comedy show. Hey, it'll be my first television appearance all year so if you're free please come by the studio. Lisa Harmon runs it and she's an excellent comic and producer. Here's the address if you want to be in the studio audience: 41-61 Kissena Blvd., Flushing Plaza, 2nd Floor.

Finally at 8 PM, I'll be performing at the last show of the year for Del's "Comedy For The F&*% Of It" at Alibi Lounge (116 MacDougal Street between West 3rd and Bleecker Street). After this, she's moving the show to Eastville Comedy Club. I don't know if I'll go with it, but you guys are more than welcome to follow her there! Seriously, she is one of the best hardest-working comics around and I saw her kill it at Comix (with laughter not cyanide).

So feel free to stalk me and I'll totally tell you about spending Christmas with the fam, and by that I mean Christmas with On Demand (thank you Santa for the gift of Premium Cable!!!).

Free Comedy Show Monday Before Christmas

I have a lot of stuff going on in 2009 that I'll be super-promoting soon but let me get the basic stuff out of the way. Tomorrow, I am hosting the President Jackson Show and, since these are the last two shows of the year, it would be great to end the year with a good laugh (or a good audience). Details below:

TITLE: President Jackson Show
PLACE: 326 East 35th Street (between 1st and 2nd Ave)
DATE: December 22nd (Monday)
TIME: 9 PM - 10 PM
DRINK SPECIALS: 2-for-1 on Well Drinks and Select Draft Beers
FEATURING: HILARY SCHWARTZ, PAT LAMB, CHRIS LAKER, AND KEN PERLSTEIN

Hope to see you guys there, and if not, then I hope your work week flies by fast so you can enjoy Christmas. Happy Holidays!

George Bush - The Third Destiny's Child?

I feel like I should do something about this. You must not have electricty (or access to a newspaper) if you missed this but President George W. Bush was attacked by footwear while speaking to the Iraqi press.



Now I'm not even going to try and comment on the political or comedic ramifications of this journalist's act, nor will I condone or condemn this behavior. But is it just me or does President Hamid Karzai's face look far too reminiscent of Beyonce and Kelly's face when that Destiny's Child fell on stage during that live performance? You be the judge.


Destiny's Child Fall - More free videos are here

No, Not Amy Winehouse

I was on a crowded train looking over a passenger's shoulder at his AM New York when I saw the headline "Kiss and Sell" about Amy Winehouse. Normally, I would have dejectedly rolled my eyes, but the actual article was about how her husband (Blake McEnglishman or whatever) was going to write a tell-all book about Amy's life if she didn't fork over $1.5 million. And I was thinking "Really?" Is there even more to the story?

I mean, what don't I know about her that TMZ, Star, and the rest of the gossip columns haven't told me? I know she drinks a lot, misses concerts, loves cigarettes, smokes crack, does heroin, snorts cocaine, has five teeth left, gets violent when she's on stuff (which is all the time), says randomly racist things, elected not to go to rehab on several occasions, has permanent lung damage from her partying lifestyle and has a tattoo of a naked woman. At this point, his book would be a tell-more, and even then he's out of ammo. The only thing he could say that would shock me is if he wrote about snatching off Winehouse's beehive and finding out she's actually a man. And even then I wouldn't be too shocked; it looked like she was sporting a bulge at the Grammys.

My Current Comedy Bio

[Don't laugh. Or rather do laugh wherever you think it's appropriate.]

Calvin Cato is a New York native with the distinction of being the only black person he knows who can gentrify any neighborhood. He got his comedic start in the Wesleyan University stand-up comedy troupe Punchline, then transferred his unique brand of humor back to the Big Apple. He's performed in comedy clubs, off-Broadway theatres, coffee houses, the backs of bars, and even a beauty salon. His credits include the Game Show Network and the critically acclaimed Naked Comedy Show. Come catch a high-energy act that promises to never be the same show twice!

Nouveau Poor Comedy/Music Show Tonight!

Addendum: I was recently informed that I was mistaken about the December recession thing. Oh well, the snark still stands.

Last minute plug (and a desperate hope to boost the google count on Nouveau Poor - yeah, I taking it back!), come see the big comedy/music show tonight!!!
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As of December 1st we're officially in a depression. But you don't
have to hop a freight train for excitement though! Calvin S. Cato
(Game Show Network, Stand-Up New York, Naked Comedy Show) presents a
wonderful blend of comedy and music in a cool Moroccan venue. One
gander at these fiercely funny flappers and Felixes gracing the stage
and you'll forget all about your unemployment woes. Oh and everyone is
free to exchange resumes at the show.

Featuring:

Liz Miele (Live At Gotham)
Becky Ciletti (Time Out New York's Joke Of The Week, Naked Comedy Show)
Carolyn Castiglia (VH1, MTV's White Rapper, Chicks and Giggles)
Joe Pontillo (Zombies!, New York Underground Fave)
Meg Cupernall ("The Lighthouse," Comic Strip Live)
Stacia Jensen (Comedyland, Astoria for Obama)
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DETAILS:
LOCATION: Tagine Dining Gallery - 537 9th Avenue (just south of West
40th Street)
COST: Free
DATE: Thursday November 20, 2008
TIME: 8:00 PM – 9:30 PM
DRINK SPECIALS: Yes! Sangria discounts!
TAGLINE: 100% Talent, 0% Health Insurance

Advice on Open Mics...or Humiliation, Where Do I Sign Up?

Yesterday I did Del's showcase again, which is always a pleasure! I didn't realize that one of the audience members was actually actually a comic. I saw her on the train home (as I'm stupidly reading urban legend stories...listen the only box of books I have access to right now are the deadhead ones, okay?) and we talked really briefly about the show and careers. She asked me what mics I usually check out. And...I didn't really have an answer.

She then asked if I do mics or if I graduated up to showcases now. I have largely stopped doing open mics with the same fervor than I did a year ago and it's weird to think that I somehow graduated "up" from open mics; I guess the change was so subtle it flew past my head. I'm certainly not saying that I'm "bankable" or even that I'm too good for open mics, but I've been slowly phasing open mics out of my life.

Frankly I don't even know which open mics I do on the regs anymore. I've tried numerous times to create a list and I can't get it together. Why? - because all open mics are different. I could say that this place is great and this place blows and blah blah blah but what works for me doesn't work for Comic X.

In all honesty, you grow as a comic by checking out as many varieties of clubs/venues as possible. And each mic hones a different skill set. You can go to alt-mics to hone your persona, or strictly comic rooms to work on your writing. There are mics that you use to increase your confidence, mics you do because you need to be taken down a couple of pegs and mics you go to only to network (make sure you bring your A game). I've done mics in three different bouroughs, mics that were mostly music, mics that were all poetry, mics with a slant in ethnicity or gender and everything in between. And the variety really helped me to learn how to connect with an audience and use my wording efficiently.

So my advice is to go to as many different kinds of mics as you can, and if possible, NEVER go to mics where you know everybody there. Familiarity breed contempt (as well as lazy writing). Build up a core group of friends/collaborators and go to different mics but be realistic about your friends' laughs. Are they "Hey I'm your pal" laughs or genuine guffaws? Whenever you get to an open mic, have an idea of what aspect of your performance you will be working on today. At first, you should be going to get a feel of the stage but once you feel comfortable, establish a goal for your next mic. Say to yourself: "I have to work on riffing or learning how to get rid of my verbal tics or learning how to bomb gracefully" (yes, you can use open mics to do that). Especially in New York City, open mics run expensive and it's your money! Get something tangible out of your experience.

If you do want a list, on the right sidebar check out Slava Yaryshkin and Gigglechick; they have great listings.

I hope this helps! Cheers!

Yuengling - Ironic To Like Now?

Of all the inexpensive beers I've drank in my life, nothing is more enjoyable than Yuengling. My friend was recently telling me that Yuengling is set to replace Pabst Blue Ribbon (affectionately called PBR or Peeber) as the new working-man's drink imbibed by non-working pseudo-artsy 20-somethings. I didn't want to believe it but I came across this Salon article from months ago that confirmed it.

First of all, may I be the first to say "Noooo!" I've liked Yuengling ever since high school (I mean I totally didn't drink in high school because that's not even legal, but I smelled an open bottle once and it seemed enjoyable) and my affair was rekindled when I graduated college (it's legal now; it's just wrong to indulge before noon). I like the taste, the color, the body. I even like the green bottle. And best of all, it's inexpensive without being cheap. At any bar (in NYC at least) you can find a Yuengling for $4-7 and not feel like a cretin.

I'm not rich by any means but I just can't stand PBR. It's watery and tasteless and not even that carbonated. I hate the fact that it comes in a can so cheap you can taste the metal flaking off in your drink. I hate the people who drink PBRs - snobby types who cry "Poverty!" but always manages to have a baggy of drugs. PBRs just feel dirty to me. It's like seeing that constantly unwashed guy who somehow manages to get laid despite having a bad personality. I look at PBRs and go "What the hell?"

I already get enough flak for being a hipster because I have a messenger bag and use polysyllabic words in conversation (much like that last sentence), but I'm just learned. And the last thing I need is for waif-thin trust fund babes to take Yuengling's (one of the last vestiges of urbanite coolness) and invalidate it by appropriating and cannibalizing it. I don't want to hear a crew of people make up insipid pet names (by callng it a 'Ling or a YL or a Double G) and then talk really loudly at the bar about how they're so poor that this beer is all they can drink and then swap dealer numbers. Blech!

Please hipsters, keep away from making Yuengling the new symbol of irony. There are tons of shitty beers you can make into your mascot instead. What about Schlitz, eh? It's making a comeback...