!oo!

!oo! is my new sign for victory. The !’s represent the index and little finger of championship and the o’s represent the knuckles of bad-ass-itude. Alternately, they also symbolize a football goalpost. Convenient Super Bowl segue…

I’m not a big Super Bowl fan by any means, but I did get to watch with a couple of friends, a lot of Domino’s Pizza and a Blue Moon. Here’s my cheers and jeers.

CHEERS: To the New York Giants winning! (Obviously!) I’ll be honest, I had doubts. Okay I had virtually no hope. I was optimistic, but my glass was 10% full. Go Eli Manning, maybe now people won’t call you “Peyton’s brah.”

JEERS: To the incredibly racist Bud Light commercials. Seriously, advertisers, a commercial making fun of South Asian accents? Of course that makes me want to buy your beer. Because beer should be American. No foreigners allowed. They might drop malaria and SARS in the barley. Disgusting. Oh and Carlos Mencia was part of it. Carlos Mencia – king of joke thieves, jack of all stereotypes, master of none. Majorly disgusting!

CHEERS: To Tom Brady getting sacked. Over and over again. I hope Gisele dumps you, Tom. She needs a winner, not a whiner. Tom Brady?—more like Tom “Throws Like A Lady.” Ohhhh, you got hosed on a blog read by 3 people!!!

JEERS: To that BS: “Everyone off the field, we have to play that :01 left in the fourth quarter even though the Giants are up AND have possession on the ball.” Sore losers, much?

CHEERS: To that really cool Coke commercial when Charlie Brown gets the soda. I would have shed a tear, but he’s an inflatable representation of a cartoon character.

JEERS: To another Geico caveman commercial. Go away cavemen! Go the way of the woolly mammoth and become extinct.

That’s all really. In conclusion, yay Giants. !oo!

Minor New Year's Resolution

I was actually able to take a poo in the office! Finally, I feel like I accomplished something grand!

Bed-Ridden

To anyone who went to any of the potential shows I had this week, I'm sorry to say I had to cancel. I was feverishly sick all day Tuesday and Wednesday wasn't that much better. After two days AWOL, I finally trucked it into work today but I'm in more pain than an 80-year-old woman who doesn't get enough calcium.

Damn this freaking flu going around. This is the problem with temping hourly. No paid sick days. Also, no health insurance...but that's another story.

Around The City Shows

Some stuff I'm doing in the city:

Monday January 14th: Pine Tree Lodge
326 East 35th Street (bet. 2nd and 1st Avenue)
9 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Joe Dixon and I run this short show with great comics. Plus we're re-enacting our old contest o' champions! Where any random audience member can win a super-kewl prize (TM). I host this every Monday, so come by and get free $h!7.

Featuring Mike Lawrence, Jessica Delfino, Darrell Shipley, Kendra Cunningham

Tuesday January 15: Alibi Lounge - Comedy For The F*$% of It!
116 MacDougal Street (between West 3rd and Bleecker)
8 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Really cool show hosted by really cool comedian DEL. Usually free give-aways and what not.

Saturday February 2nd: The PIT - Naked Comedy Show
154 West 29th Street (close to 7th Ave)
I'll be baring more than just my soul at this clothing free showcase of jocularity! Featuring Rob O'Reilly and Andy Ofiesh.
8 PM
COST $10

I'm working on re-doing my MySpace but when I do, it's on! Check it out for a list of other shows so you can see my wit live. Oh yeah! Plus I'm working on a new performance art set. Should be fun...

It Goes There

DeGrassi marathons have my warped my head. They taught me about a new type of person: a man-cer. That's a man who lives with cancer and doesn't cry about it. Also, a Canadian actor who can't subtly display emotions.

I've got to make a big decision. And instead of deliberating, I procrastinate. My work ethic is so bad that I can't even think of an end to this joke.

My Apologies For Previous Entries

Ugh no more drunk blogging. I think that's what killed the dinosaurs.

Comic on Comedians #1b: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Addendum: I think Patton Oswalt is like Andy Kindler, except less whiny. They're both so aware of the dubious famous-ness of the comedy business. It's a cckiness I wish I could have as a stage persona.

Comic on Comedians #1: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Wow, Andy Kindler is fucking amazing. I just saw his stand-up. It's a perfect whiny joke-telling character. They're really good at their persona characters. Wow, it's weird. Classic 80s comedians have such characters about them. They feel plastic and yet, they're still clever at the same time. It's an odd feeling, to see comedy of the 80s feel original, yet are actually so manufactured, so meticulously picked out. Everything in the 80s is experimental, and yet so calculated at the same time. I think there was a lot of foresight in terms of distilled popular culture in the 80s. As opposed to the 2000s, where there is just too much information. The internet has destroyed our notion of privacy. In essence we can all expose the truth about ourselves. There are blogs, and internet voyeurs, and social networking sites. They are so addictive. It's impossible to not check your friendship status, see how virtually popular you are. It is ridiculous. Ha ha.

NVR SAY NVR

I'm trying to put together a new CD based on "love songs." The only song I decided on was Romeo Void's "Never Say Never." I think my inner romantic is a smarmy early 80s tool.

For those of you who don't know Romeo Void, here's a link to one of their favored songs. Most memorable catch-phrase: I might like you better if we slept together.

Though I like the line, I have to disagree. If I really hate someone, sometimes I think "Maybe I would like you better if we slept together." (which is admittedly an awkward thought when applied to ex-bosses or that homeless lady who preaches on the train). But having sex with a homeless lady probably wouldn't raise my opinion of her. I'd probably hate myself more if we slept together.

Besides, sex isn't like karaoke. I always like people better after I've sung horribly off-key with them. In fact, I would totally love a homeless person who wanted to do karaoke with me. I would probably give her $10 and a 40 of Old English. Maybe I'd take her home, give her a hot bath and a meal. And then...maybe I'd sleep with her. Which would bring me back to hating myself.

Damn! Even my alterna-logic is failing me. Or maybe I just don't like homeless people. Which is a really insensitive thought to have. Sad face.

The 8 Jokes I Never Want To Hear Again In 2008

In lieu of resolutions, I have decided to pass along knowledge to my fellow man. Thus I give you "The 8 Jokes I Never Ever EVER Want To Hear Again in 2008." This goes out to all my fellow comedians/writers/drunk storytellers.

(1) Jokes with the structure: "I like ___. I think that makes me a ___; my friends think that makes me a faggot."

WHY: Because we get it; you like something weird and metrosexual. That you have to resort to calling it gay makes you sound bigoted. The shock value of the word has long worn off, and you just look desperate now. Plus it's such a simplistic feint that it looks like you get all your jokes from the Christian right.

(2) "Why do white people act like X (irrational and verbose) but black people act like Y (rational but ignorant-sounding)?" and the remix "Why are all Asians like X (stereotypical 'Engrish' voice)?"

WHY: Because these jokes stopped being funny when desegregation happened. Seriously, it's not insightful to say that white people and black people act differently - especially not in New York City where pretty much everyone acts like they're insane. Maybe one day when Jim Crow laws go back in style and you have to peek over an electric fence at your differently-raced neighbors and muse about why chopsticks "be all silly and shit," then this could be considered valid material. But right now, you sound like Archie Bunker without the ironic and inherent cleverness (i.e. LAME!).

(3) Jokes that involve Arnold Schwartzenegger/Samuel L. Jackson accents.

WHY: Because no one does a good Schwartzenegger or Jackson accent. Schwartzenegger has been in office for four years now; let it go. Snakes on a Plane happened like 2 years ago; either buy the DVD or move on.

(4) Myspace/Facebook/Friendster/social networking site jokes.

WHY: Because you look like a tool when you have 2,000,000 i-friends and yet you're making fun of the site that's helping you get bookings and a cult following. As an aside, yes I do have a Myspace joke, but it's based on a true story...and I plan to drop it in a couple months.

(5) Jokes about the Puerto Rican Day/Dominican/West Indian parade

WHY: Because jokes hinged on the premise of minorities congregating together, getting drunk, and stealing from and raping white women aren't funny, they're just "Birth of a Nation Redux." Refer to the white people/black people/Asian people argument basically.

(6) Jokes about Britney Spears

WHY: Because it looks like you subscribe to Us Weekly and obsessively read Perez Hilton's blog; two places I don't even look at as an authority on fake celebrity news. Watch the Britney Spears Trade Wreck (TM) was never entertaining; it's just so WTFever. Whenever I hear a Britney joke, I just yawn and go "Wow, you spent 2 minutes on that, you realize you're going to need REAL MATERIAL now." Plus "Best Week Ever" and "The Soup" already do those jokes...and they do it better than you. Just follow the lead of that crazy androgynous kid and "Leave Britney alone!"

(7) Jokes about local comics

WHY: Because at the end of the day, it's lazy and it's rude. We're not in high school anymore; if you have nothing nice to say about another comic, don't say anything at all.

(8) BUSH JOKES!!!!!

WHY: Because...just stop it! I get it: George Bush is controversial. George Bush had substance abuse problems. Guess what? - it's not clever anymore. Hell, at this point it's actually funny to just listen to the President speak than to hear some bad comic do a bad Bush impersonation and then go "Look how politically savvy I am!" Newsflash: you're not! Bush jokes has been done to death and decomposed. If you're going to be political, do some real research and find a corrupt politician. All you need to do is spend 10 minutes on Wikipedia and you can find somebody.

-There it is, folks. You can either listen to my advice or not; your mileage may vary. But if I hear any variations on these jokes, I will walk out of the room (either mentally or physically) and never return for the rest of your set. Unless you're able to reinvent the wheel on these hack jokes. Which is doubtful.

Happy New Year!

2008 - Slightly Less Racist Than 1958

Tell me if I'm overreacting.

At around 9:30 PM I left my apartment to get cigarettes. I wore a black hooded sweater jacket, light blue jeans, and black sneakers. I reach the store, get my smokes, and walk the long way back so I can enjoy my cigarette. Because it was cold I was walking quickly and reached my building far too soon. Usually, when this happens, I walk around to a spot where I can finish, but there were vagrants there, and quite frankly I didn't want to have any potential discussions with the homeless. So, I stand 1/4 block away from my door near a security post and finish my cigarette. I go inside, and prepare to open the inner door to the building, when three people (2 white and 1 East Asian) enter the vestibule. One says "Um, you don't live here."

To which I responded: "Yes I do" and showed my keys.

They continue to try and disprove the fact that I live here and I have to dangle my keys (literally!) and tell them where I live and my alma mater before I can get into my own house. Mind you, it's freezing and late.

To their credit, the three apologized and explained that because of recent criminal activity, they wanted to make sure I am who I say I am. But still...er...I had keys, what the fuck?!

Now I am not the type to cry "Racism!" but I think this is a practical case where the "R" word would best characterize the situation. Maybe the hoodie and black sneakers are "criminal uniform." But I also didn't know that criminals wear tinted prescription glasses or would do something as conspicuous as stand by a security booth, smoking a cigarette, and drawing attention to themselves. And let's not forget the major fact: I HAD KEYS!

While I understand the "need to verify," I can't help but wonder if the situation were different if my skin color was different. I shouldn't have to leave my building wearing my college sweatshirt and an alumni ring. And I shouldn't have to explain to people where I live and where I'm from. And wearing a hoodie in 35 degree weather isn't sketchy, it's practical.

The question of finding out who I am and whether I lived in their building could have been braced more tactfully, e.g., "I've never seen you here before." But the automatic assumption from white residents that because I smoke and wear a hoodie, I don't live here and am a criminal is very disturbing and offensive.

So to the group of three who wanted to make sure I wasn't coming in to rob them and rape their white women, I appreciate your vigilance but this is one black guy you don't have to be afraid of.

Moral: I have to go out and get cigarettes in suits. Or $100 sweaters without hoods. Especially no hoods.

Fall Of The Wall

I'm in a pisser of a mood, for a whole slew of reasons I can't list here. Mainly because no matter how bad my day is, there's always someone who has it worse. I just found out that Adara Almonte, a comedienne and hostess of the Laugh Force passed away this Saturday. I didn't know Adara very well, but I had worked with her before and she was a really nice person. Comedians like that are a rarity. I don't know what happened, but I am sorry for her family's loss.

I'm not going to pull a moment of silence demand, but it would be nice to take a deep breath and put things in perspective. It's something I haven't done in a while, and in it's own way, that pause is pulling me back from the edge. I have a show tomorrow, but after that I'm done with comedy for the rest of 2007 (all 11 days of it - big hiatus, I know). I just don't have the energy right now and I haven't talked to a vast majority of my friends, who are really angry that I haven't returned their calls in a while.

Moral of the story: reach out to somebody. Happy holidays.

Unemployment

You know it's a bad day when the major events of the day involve showering and cereal. Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss day jobs.

All I do now is wash the dishes and watch the same two crap HBO movies in the afternoon (this week it's John Tucker Must Die and "Poseidon" - the newer one, which used special effects to cover up for shitty acting). Here's my unemployed afternoon in a nutshell:

11:00 AM: Wake up, turn on the news, turn over and over in bed. Check your phone to see how important you are, make a list of all the things you'll have to do. Then fall back asleep for 15 minutes and forget all about the list.

12:00 PM: Put on a towel but delay showering for another two hours. After all, there's nothing pressing to do, and what's the point of washing up with no place to go? It's a waste of clothes, and laundry is expensive. Instead, check the funny and NYC blogs, Google "Calvin Cato" to see how many times you name pops up (so far, twice a page for the next 5 pages), laugh at Craigslist ads. Get something to drink (OJ, milk).

1:30 PM: Open the blinds, try to get some light in. Walk around like a caged animal. Think about where to go. Museum?--nah too boring. Bookstore?--nah, can't concentrate enough to read. Coffee shop?--Cliche. Lay down, take a nap. You had a tough time thinking.

3:00 PM: Where the hell did the day go? Make a lunch out of leftovers.

3:45 PM: Wash the dishes. Think about something funny. Remember to write it down.

4:00 PM: Shower. No matter how much you hand-test the water, you always manage to jump in when it's too cold. You have to roll away and pull nude acrobatics. You have to grope and paw at the knob like a blind person.
----
Granted, I wouldn't be doing a lot more in the office, but I'd get money, and a sense of...um...satisfaction. It's sad, I want to be a cog in the corrupt greasy machine of life. Weirded out.

Well in the meantime, it's 3:37 PM. I have to shower and send out the obligatory 5 resumes to places I will never here from. Signing off!

Mas o Menos

December is a weird month. My current job is ending, the comedy opportunities are drying up, the weather is not so delightful. Everything seems to be winding down, or is it winding up a mess? I'm really just waiting for New Year's, so I can whack the reset button and figure out my next scheme of taking over the world (or at least adding to my bank balance). And yet, I'm starting to see the futility of it all. It's all so Sisyphus. January, I'll work my damnedest to push that boulder of success uphill and by December the boulder and I will have careened down to the bottom. But I still like the feel of the date. January 1. Just about three weeks away. Right now, it's just a time-killing exercise until I get to an arbitrary date where I can absolve myself and become "born again."

Why is that? Why does the thought of regeneration appeal to me so much, even though I already know I won't change? Maybe it's just natural for humans to believe in target dates, in endings and beginnings. Perhaps we all strive to be Janus, two-faced, having everything both ways.
------
On a brighter note, I did see someone break the Sisyphean mode when I saw Susannah Perlman's (a.k.a. The Goddess) show at the Zipper Factory. It's called Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad and features comedy, burlesque, spoken word, and a band called The Four Skins (and yes there are actually four of them). I got there a little late, but I saw Mindy Raf, Ophira Eisenberg and Rena Zager do some really nice comedy. Plus, I got to see Vanessa Hidary a.k.a. Jewish Mamita do a spoken word piece about a guy who "fucked like Brooklyn." Not the Brooklyn where I'm from, apparently. Seriously, check it out. There are dancing dreidels and stripping rabbis. Plus Susannah goes through a lot of costume changes in the show. A lot! It's worth it.

Also, I did a Thusday MC show at Stand-Up New York and it was really good. Fun show all around. I got the gig through Rhodes Pierre and Curtis Parks and it was an excellent showcase. Luke Cunningham, Jackie Monahan, and Eric Andre performed too (grea job!). I got to give away a free round of shots AND get drunk mysef. That shit is win-win. I also made up a really bad joke on the spot and got laughs. Weird, but I'll take that over a bottle to the face.

Already, enough happy. There, I posted so the December tab can have a "(1)" next to it. Don't worry, when the unemployment sets in, I'll be blogging a lot more.

Strangest Two-Liner of November

I think the 20-something version of the movie "I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With" would be "I Want Someone To Smoke Trees With." Because let's face it, weeding is fundamental.

Pinetree Lodge Tonight!

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

I'm just sending out a frightfully friendly reminder to check out the Pinetree Lodge tonight for some great comedy. Unfortunately I won't be there tonight (as I am in the midst of the biggest move EVER) but Joe Dixon is hosting and will be rocking the house and rattling the funny bones.

WHERE: Pinetree Lodge - 326 East 35th Street
COST: FREE
RUN TIME: 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM
WHEN: Monday (Today!) and every Monday 'till the wheels come off

Check it out. And word of advice: never move. God I hate packing!

New Mantras/Ongoing Show at Alibi Lounge on Wednesdays!

New mantra: Never burn bridges because you never know when you need a shortcut. Think it's deep? - that's good cuz I wrote it! Hate the message? - well then I got it from a fortune cookie.

Speaking of which I recently got a fortune cookie with no fortune. So either the universe thinks I'm fucked or it thinks I don't need help. Frankly neither situation is looking good.

Also, free show at Alibi Lounge tonight (located at 116 MacDougal Street bet. West 3rd and Bleecker). I'm hosting the show and there are tons of great prizes and good people! So uh, you all should get on that. [ASIDE: I wonder how manny times I have to write free comedy show at Alibi Lounge before it becomes Google-able and I can actually get the show to appear in papers and on websites and shit. Because I've only seen it on like 3 sites, and I sent stuff out to like 30 outlets. I cry racism.]

Every Wednesday @ 8 PM! Drink specials! Free prizes. Check it out

Blog Action Day & Break-Ups (Or Crapple-Bs)

Apparently yesterday was Blog Action Day - a day which celebrates people having online journals devoted to environmental change. Wow, congratulations way to bitch about the environment instead of...going into said environment and interacting with it in a positive way like pick up trash or clean a sea lion. Seriously, your computer doesn't run on vegetable oil, Captain Digital Planet. Peel yourself away from it and don't just write about problems, solve them.

I'm in a foul mood. You know what sucks about breaking up with people when you live in New York City? You have to break up with them and half the good restaurants and bars. There was this really nice bar in Lower Manhattan I used to go to. I'd even go there alone (which is a sign of alcoholism, but nay I digress). I took a girl there a couple of times and she fell in love with the place. Before I knew it, we adopted a bar together! But the relationship fizzled out in a terrible way and we had to figure out who had more rights to the bar. She had more friends than I did and she packed the place so that when I got there with my 2 hangers-on, there was no table and 20 eyes staring at me with disgust. She won the stomping ground and I had to go drink 40s on the street (okay I didn't have to, but there's a metaphor in there).

That's right people: I lost the custody battle of the bar - how shitty is that?! And now I have to go to the crap hole-in-the-wall bar that's deep in the heart of college-village, where I'm guaranteed to sit next to a "birthday girl" and have at least 4 drinks spilled on me. And one of those spills will be from the obviously drunk waiter, who's just working here until med school where he's "totally gonna be a doctor, brah!"

I wish break-ups didn't have to involved jerrymandering neighborhoods. All I ask is for thhere not to be demilitarized zones. Or at least for a better treaty.

99 Cent Store Comedy Show!!!!!

Tonight's the big opening night for the 99 Cent Store show!

Come all ye faithful and funny! It's going to be a great night o' laughs and merriment, where I'm giving away awesome prizes!

Los Details:

Alibi Lounge: 116 MacDougal Street between West 3rd Street and Bleecker Street
When: Wednesdays @ 8 PM - 9:30 PM
Cost: FREE!!!! Absolutely FREE!!!!
Drink Specials: YES THERE ARE!

It's the start of a new incarnation of comedy and music so be there or be an L7!

Take The Money And Run...

Whenever I have a crisis of conscience, I always turn to the Good Book. No, it's not the Bible; it's Anagrams by Lorrie Moore. If you've never heard of her, you should definitely pick her stuff up - it's witty, poignant and remarkably keen. She's more of a short story writer but Anagrams is her first novel. And frankly, if you're between 23 and 33 and have no fucking idea where your life is going, get this book and read it cover to cover - the answers may surprise you. Here are 3 of my favorite paragraphs (slightly abridged):

"You know what poetry is about?" said Eleanor. "The impossibility of sexual love. Poets don't even want genitals, their own or anyone else's. For a poet, to love is to have no lover. And to live" - she raised her wine glass and failed to suppress a smile - "is to have no liver."
....
The teacher stared down at the tabletop at something scratched into wood. DROP ACID, it said. And then beneath it, in different writing, NO TAKE IT PASS-FAIL.
....
In nature certain species, in order not to be eaten, will take on the characteristics of something that is an unpleasant meal. The viceroy, for instance, looks so much like a bird dropping, and as an adult so much like the ill-tasting monarch, that birds, as agents of natural selection, as Darwinian loser-zappers, leave the viceroy alone. Similarly, the ant-mimicking spider is avoided because it appears to have the fierce mandibles of an ant, though it's really only a spider playing dress-up. The function of disguise is to convince the world you are not there, or that if you are, you should be left alone. You disguise yourself as an imperious teacher, an imperious lover, an imperious bitch, simply to hang out and survive.